I'm glad you are planning to talk together. Be a whole lot easier to ask for platinum rule from each when you do.
"Please treat me how I want to be treated. I would like you to treat me like THIS husband...(list). Thanks."
And when you talk to her do the same.
"Please treat me how I want to be treated. I would like you to treat me like THIS metamour...(list). Thanks."
Because this is all "internal ops" -- text on his phone and whatnot. I could see not wanting to deal in "we are out as a polyship" to the external world just yet because of cultural expectations and not having the confidence yet with "internal world" things.
Some people take it all on, some people take it one layer at a time.
But with "internal ops?" Who is in here? You, him, her.
This is the "calibration" time in dating -- could calibrate then! Could sort it out in trio how you want to be together, exchange the "platinum rule" things for how each person wants the others to treat them and... go ahead and treat them that way. Check in later in a month to make sure all are happy and getting what they need in the polyship or if tweaks are needed.