I think you really need to do some soul searching and figure out why you're feeling the way that you're feeling.
You ask if it's fair for you to hurt to stop her from hurting? As far as I can tell, the wife has made all of the compromises whilst (apart from the initial moving there) you don't seem to have made any.
For example, the situation with them having sex whilst you unloaded the car. Was it insensitive? To leave you doing work and run off to have sex whilst you were in earshot? Yes. Did it mean they should never have sex again? No. You could have come up with a compromise, like 'no sex when I'm in ear shot'. You instead when for an absolute that leaves nothing for the wife to work with.
You seem to have at least tried to compromise with the sleeping together thing, but then needed to have him every night. Leaving no time for the wife. Even if she doesn't like sex, I find it difficult to imagine that she didn't take some comfort in sharing a bed with a comforting, familiar presence. Now that is gone. Completely.
I agree with Vixtoria. I think your problems are stemmed deeper than just poly. I would consider it very unhealthy for someone to stay up all night crying because their partner wasn't with them even in a monogamous relationship.
I live with one of my partners and he doesn't always sleep well, and often he just wants to stay up late playing computer games. Do I enjoy him sleeping next me? Yes. Do I prefer it that way? Yes. Do I lose sleep over it? No.
It is unhealthy in any relationship to not be able to be away from your partner. If possible I would suggest seeing someone about it. I know that's difficult where you with the language barrier, but it's possible (especially as some people are happy to do it via Skype or something similar). I think before you can figure out how to be with him, you probably need to learn how to be with YOURSELF. Learn to function on your own and not need to always be with someone, you never know, if you can learn to do that, the whole situation might seem more amenable to you.
I wish you luck.