when i met my dh, he was married to someone else. She was NOT poly and was forced into a bad situation. Either accept a somewhat poly lifestyle or lose her husband altogether. He loved me altho he was willing to honor his commitments to her. I mean we didn't plan to fall in love--shit happens.
anyway...i found out real quick that I have trouble sharing. It was hard. We went thru some awful moments. She jealously guarded their time together and I always wanted more. As 'second wife', I always felt like i got slighted. In the end, she actually tried to murder him because if she had to share him, then neither of them was going to live. So, no...that didn't end well.
I have been in the alternative lifestyle with many poly friends for several years. Other than us, I really don't know any one who has left their spouse in favor of the second. Generally speaking, the third usually (at least in my experience) eventually moves on to a more monogamous relationship with one significant other. Again, just my experience.
I doubt you can really expect him not to have relations with his wife, regardless of what they say. They Do have sex and they will feel entitled to continue to have sex and I don't know how you can 'fix' those feelings. It's how you feel and hearts, unfortunately, don't listen to any kind of sense. I wish they did!
I think I would try to tread lightly and try to open communication rather than cry and pout and demand. If you show yourself to be a problem, you may be shown the door. I'm not saying let them walk over you, i'm just saying try diplomacy rather than demanding.
I'm not banging on ya, honey, really I'm not. I have cried for days over men myself...all the while loathing myself for doing it. All my crazy jealousy is why we have a MWM triad and NOT a WMW. I ain't that damn generous or understanding.
Last edited by pollyanna; 05-12-2013 at 10:25 PM.