Thank you so much, livinglight 11. I appreciate your response. In all fairness, I AM writing thru emotions...and I know that they have a tendency to color a situation. He really is a wonderful man. He has tried to give me everything I want and to accommodate me at every turn when possible. And she has too. They have BOTH been more than kind. He has bought me a new fridge (for the house of course, but still...the kind I liked) a new car, he took me to Amsterdam....I mean, really...all I have to do is say I wish I had a green unicorn with a pink horn and if there was anyway possible, he would find one and have it special ordered for me. He takes EVERYTHING I say into consideration generally....except for this. And when it comes to this...there is NO swaying him. I have NO friends here, with the exception of the wife. It is a non english speaking country and those that can speak english well enough to communicate with can be hard to find. So yes, it really MAKES me rely TOTALLY on him. I know that is part of the problem. I miss my kids terribly...and my grandkids. But truth be told...they were part of the problem at home...always taking from me...and never giving. So while I DO miss them, I also remember what it is like to be in the center of that hub. That being said, it WAS and IS a great sacrifice for me and I DO wish I could see them more...especially on the Holidays.
When I first came here....it was with the consideration that the two of them would still be sexual...I knew that. And I always figured they were, but after I had been here about a year, he and I had gone to the store and had had a wonderful time together and we came back to unload the car. It was then that I heard them. They did not realize that anything that went on upstairs in a certain room could be heard by all downstairs. I just sat there and cried and cried. I cried literally for days. I thought I was going to die. I did not understand WHY he would do that...leave me downstairs unloading the car after we had just been together talking about OUR life together to go grab her and have sex with her. It was TRULY the most painful thing I have ever endured in my life. After a couple of days of tears, we ALL agreed that although I had come here saying that it was ok, that THAT was off the table now. And there would be no more sex between them. And as I said, I am sure that is not a big deal to her. She has told me that she just does not enjoy sex. So fine....I do.
When I first came here he did not sleep in the bed with me at all. It was an odd situation and we had to move and get a bed for me...and blahblahblah...but finally I told him how painful it was for me that he never slept with me and that I stayed up all night just praying for daylight so that I could be with him again. And so he talked to her and we decided to divide it up equally...and that was better...then I only stayed awake half the time. But then she went on vacation for 3 weeks and I had him all to myself...and I cried and cried, thinking of her coming back and not being able to sleep with him anymore and when she returned, she said that she did not want me to cry and be alone and that it was fine with her if he slept with me all the time. I could not believe it. She is really a much kinder and more well rounded woman than I ever will be I guess.
She REALLY does not ask for much....at all....and so I KNOW he hates to ask more of her and he says that she has been good to him and kind to him and that he does not want to hurt her. I understand that. But does that mean that it is ok for ME to hurt so that she doesn't have to?
I am SOOOOOO confused and feel SOOOO guilty on SOOOOO many levels. I TRULY do not want to hurt her either. She is my only friend here. I DON'T want to leave their kids without a father....
I don't know what to do. I feel like my only options are to live with it the way that it is and hurt everyday of my life while I continue to lie to my family...or leave him and the life that we have and could have forever behind. NEITHER answer sounds do-able. I feel trapped and condemned anyway I go. There is NO right answer. Any way you look at it, someone is going to get hurt.