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Old 05-12-2013, 08:54 PM
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Vixtoria Vixtoria is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Nov 2011
Posts: 306

I'm sorry, I have to disagree with the post so far. It is not disrespectful to explain that if you live in a separate space you can't 'have him' 24/7. First of all, no one should feel as if they own anyone else. That's a big red flag there for me as it is. Honestly the post screams red flags.

You say you knew when you moved there it would be a poly or at least open relationship as he was married. But you asked him to stop having sex with his wife???

Am I mistaken or would you blow a gasket if his wife asked you two to lay off the sex? You can make excuses 'they don't really love each other', 'it's just a marriage of financial convenience', but it's not appropriate. My husband does NOT have veto power over my sex with boyfriend and boyfriend does NOT have veto power over sex with my husband. RED FLAG ONE.

You say he loves his kids but really barely talks to them or does anything with them. He refuses to go to relatives parties or events because they won't include you. Instead of working together, all three of you, it's just more and more pitting one of you against the others. RED FLAG TWO.

You want him, full time. Well, that's not how poly works, I'm sorry. Dividing time is part of having more than one relationship. SO no, it's not rude to say that if you were in another home he'd not see you 24/7. He has a wife! He has kids! Those are responsibilities and relationships he needs to also spend time on. RED FLAG THREE.

You talk of him and you getting married and 'raising' the kids yourselves. Really? You think it's appropriate to cut his wife out of not only his life but his kids so you can have a husband all to yourself and his kids? RED FLAG FOUR.

Read around, there are poly terms in place here. One is called the 'cowgirl'. You've entered a situation that is poly and have decided it doesn't work for you. I'm sorry, I really am, it's a really hard thing. Poly, is a lot of work, and compromise, and balancing of time and energies among your relationships. However, it is NOT appropriate for you to decide that since it's not working FOR YOU, that you need to pull this man away from his family, marry you so you can 'take care of him' (RED FLAG FIVE), and start over. That sounds horribly like the mistress syndrome. You want to stop being the mistress and be the wife. A monogamous wife.

So what happens if he does all this? Leaves his wife, marries you, big white wedding, your taking care of him and his kids, ex sees the kids on weekends, happy little family! Then give it a few years and he falls for someone else (not instead of you but as well as you) and he wants to have another relationship IN ADDITION to yours?

I get that you are upset, horribly and no I don't think, personally, that he's handling things well, but none of you are. Get a meeting with all three of you, STAT. Find out where you all stand, what you all want and how to make it work for you all. Compromises all around. OR, if you want monogamy, the wedding, the ring, the whole white picket fence thing, move on.

Some of us are married and poly, but I am betting, and I'll take odds, that not one of us would veto sex with any of our partners because they other said so! The idea of poly is NOT to have someone on the side that would make a good partner when we are ready to leave the partner we are with now.
Me: 40 pansexual poly.
DH: My husband of 21 yrs and father of 3 teen girls.
DC: LDR of +9 years/former
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