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Old 05-12-2013, 08:25 PM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Canada
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Originally Posted by LovingRadiance View Post
I am CERTAIN that if he were to switch around and decide he wanted to be poly it would rock my world.... him suddenly finding a girlfriend would turn my "normal" upside down.

I love him. I would hold myself accountable to find my way to full acceptance and if our bond and connection wavered or was lost, I would fight to regain it-even against my own feelings of hopelessness or whatever.
But I don't think it would be easy.
This is how I feel about Mono. My world has been rocked over this year.

Originally Posted by LovingRadiance View Post
I think you are grieving and probably in emotional shock too. I think you might find that if you read some on grief and the loss of a spouse-you may find some of it beneficial for dealing with your emotions right now.
EVERY TIME I read about this and what you are feeling, I think of "Marksbabygirl" (name on here) blog (not on here) about Marks death and how she is coming to terms. I think you have her on your fb. I know Derby does. Maybe go read some of that blog and consider similarities?
I think you might be right. I have been chatting a little with Marksbabygirl and her words have been helpful.

Originally Posted by LovingRadiance View Post
remind yourself that growth and learning, they take time. Never the short amount of time we wish! This is A LOT to take in. A lot of change in a variety of relationships! Be patient with yourself RP. Even good changes are stress! Our minds and bodies need pauses, rest times, when dealing with stress.
Thank you. I am being as patient as I can be while trying to keep up as well.

Originally Posted by LovingRadiance View Post
I haven't seen you post anything about running or even walking in months. Just sleeping and video games and grief.
Go walk, run if you can. Let your tears flow-who cares, the wind will wash them to sea. But go get some exercise. Seriously-it helps your mind to find a new perspective.
Sleep is important-but so is exercise. Both give you different kinds of rest. Sleep gives rest to your body, exercise gives rest to your mind.

I haven't been walking to the regular place I walk because for years now there have been little notes left for me by Mono under a rock and I am afraid to look there as I don't know if he is leaving them any more. I have been walking on my lunch break to a nearby garden with tails in it. I have a beautiful view of the ocean and the mountains and it has helped me relax and get my feelings out. There is a bench there that has seen many tears these last two weeks.

Sleep has almost returned. Only up for a couple of hours a night now clinging to Mono while I lay there paralyzed by fear and anxiety. Thoughts run through my head over and over again and I allow myself to get through them and then self talk my way through them. It seems that the only time we fully bond is at night when we cling to each other. I suppose that is a hopeful sign. The eating isn't back yet.
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