Lots of sympathy
Hi El...I'm new here as well and this is the first time I've posted, although I've been reading these forums for several months now. (I promise to post an introduction in the appropriate section soon, guys, but know that I think the people on this forum are aces from reading all your intelligent, compassionate posts.)
I just wanted to say my heart goes out to you. Whether or not you are being selfish, I understand how you feel. It doesn't feel good to be in a committed relationship in which you get no respect from your community or your partner's family. Especially since you moved to another country to be with him! It's not like you have your own social circle to support you there. I hope you've found a few friends there that know your situation and care for you.
It sounds to me like your man is making very little attempt to validate or understand your feelings, and is only thinking of the life he's set up for himself. A lot of narrow-minded people criticize poly as being a have-your-cake-and-eat-it-too mind of lifestyle, but in this case...I think it applies. He's not giving you the respect or consideration you deserve in this situation. It sounds like he is treating you like a convenient plaything instead of a living, breathing human being with wants and needs. Why can't he see that you need more space, more respect, and more compassionate understanding from him? From what you said, he seems to argue with you on every point you make, denying every reasonable request with selfish questions intended to instill fear and guilt in you. Example:
"I felt like it MIGHT be better if we had separate places. That I could have one side of the house and she could have the other and that *I* could cook for him and we could ALL get together on occasions together and still be close enough to see each other daily (kid problem solved) and let each other know what was going on and he and I would have some privacy and I would not feel like someone was standing outside the door listening while we made love. And then he said that if we had separate houses that he would have to stay some here in her house with her...and had I thought about that? I thought that I was doing well by taking the "marriage card" off the table....but I guess not. It seems that if I have my own house, then I have to give up the current amount of time that we spend together. Because as long as I am a "guest" here in HER house, then he and I can be together 24/7 and it is ok. WTF?"
That's just not fair...you asked for space and privacy, and his response was basically, "Well then you won't get as much of me, and we will suffer." I just don't understand where this man is coming from.
Another thing - I've been in a situation where I moved away from all my friends and family for a relationship, and I know how isolating that can be. It can make you feel and act crazy, and it can intensify your emotions to a point where you can't always handle them well.
If you wanted my advice, I would say you need a break from this man and his family to gain some perspective on how you want YOUR life to proceed. Perhaps a visit to the States for 3-4 weeks to see your kids and let things calm down a bit. Then you can re-evaluate if this situation is really working for you, and if it's worth the huge amount of compromise and sacrifice you've been giving. It's no good to try to sort through these kinds of issues with this much anger, no privacy, and no escape from the situation. A break might do you some good.
That's my two cents. I really hope you find a way to get to a happier place soon!