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Old 05-12-2013, 03:55 AM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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Thanks for the props on my posting style, Dirtclustit. Some reactions to your post:

I sincerely doubt that there are many, or any, sock puppet posters on this site. All the people that I see who could be considered to be attacking unicorn hunters also post on lots of other types of threads, and have very different styles. Using Occam's razor, it seems more likely to me that these people are, in fact, different people who just share similar ideas.

You seem to have a serious problem with Franklin Veaux. Why, exactly? Is it just because you feel like he's too harsh on unicorn hunters, or are there other things you don't like about him? Personally, I found his writings on jealousy and on forming healthy secondary relationships to be hugely helpful to me in my relationships. I recommend him a lot to new people, and on numerous occasions I've then seen those people say "thank you so much for recommending that link, that helped a lot." Not saying he's a saint, but I am curious why you seem to think he's such a negative force.

I don't think that the anti-unicorn-hunter attitude is specific to Veaux's writings and to polyamory.com. I mean, the phrase itself was designed to poke fun at an unrealistic attitude. The folks in my local offline community are well aware of the unicorn-hunter stereotype and look at it with derision as well. I think it's just that there aren't many other sites like polyamory.com... I actually don't know of any other site devoted just to giving advice and sharing stories about poly relationships... so it comes up more frequently here than anywhere else, and as a result people get more frustrated about it over time. That's my guess, anyway.

I DO think it's a problem to "bash" unicorn hunters. If your aim is to help people form healthy and functional relationships, which I think it ought to be on a website devoted to giving people advice and feedback about their relationships, then anything that makes people feel attacked and driven away is the opposite of helpful. That said, I understand why people come on strong, and convey dismissive, or angry attitudes towards unicorn hunters... after a few years on this site, it's extremely, extremely frustrating to read the 500th unicorn-hunting story playing out in the same damn hurtful ways to those involved. I would encourage people to stay calm, remember that the person you're addressing doesn't have the same perspective you do, and strive to give advice that doesn't come off like an attack, or else disengage and don't post at all if you know you're too upset to post calmly.

Part of the frustration, I think, comes from the fact that, not all that infrequently, people who you could call unicorn hunters come here for advice and then seem to feel attacked even when people DO speak to them calmly and rationally. Or, even if they don't take it personally, they rarely seem to listen and change course. It makes one wonder if there's any point at all, and if it might not be better to just not bother speaking to them, to just let them learn their own lessons the hard way. I've tried to be more careful about how much energy I put into posting advice, to conserve my emotional energy. I'm very thankful for David Noble's long essay about unicorn hunting, as it really says it all, and I can just link people to that rather than lay everything out myself.

I also DO think it's possible for both members of a couple to seek out a third person for casual sex without it being a problematic thing. Hell, despite my efforts to stay civil on the topic, I'm one of the most anti-unicorn-hunting people you will ever meet, and yet my bf and I are discussing seeking out women for threesomes because of a specific kink that we both share. We're aiming to do it in a highly conscious and considerate way, and, while I think we have to be very, very careful to not be assholes and to not accidentally exercise what one might call "couple entitlement" when engaging with new people, I feel confident that we are capable of doing this in a non-gross way. My confidence is bolstered by the fact that we both have engaged in successful poly relationships of various configurations for years.

Hooking up for casual sex is not unicorn hunting. Forming a triad, if one happens to form, is not unicorn hunting. Unicorn hunting is seeking out someone to fill a very specific and unrealistic pre-defined niche, to love and desire you and your partner equally, to fill a role that you've created for them. I don't want to bash the average unicorn hunter -- in general, they're just naive, not at all bad-hearted. But I DO want to bash unicorn hunting as a practice... I want the understanding of why it hurts people, and why it's a bad idea, to become as widespread as possible, so that more people who are new to poly will encounter the information and perhaps go about things in a better way.

Yeesh, that was long. This topic, I have feelings on it.
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Me, 30ish bi female, been doing solo poly for roughly 5 years. Gia, Clay, and Pike, my partners. Davis, ex/friend/"it's complicated." Eric, Gia's husband. Bee, Gia and Eric's toddler.
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