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Old 05-12-2013, 03:23 AM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
Thanks LR.

I am taking note that you too got through this also. Did you feel your love shift away from what you knew it to be when Maca decided to try poly? I am finding I don't even recognize Mono yet he says the change occurred over a year ago and he just let me in ane admitted it entirely these past two weeks. I've always seen him as all eyes on me and now the shift to all*eyes*on whomever and specifically T is frightening and foreign. I can't believe that he still loves me in that yet I know it isn't rational. Of course he does. I am just so used to hearing him say I am his one and only.... time I guess. Time and experience.
Oh yes absolutely-and I fear it will happen again.
When he first decided to "try poly" it was VERY rough. But, when he settled into dating E things ended up stabilizing very well. I believe because she was just an amazingly graceful and caring person. She took it upon herself to really pointedly ensure that I knew she appreciated my sharing him. She would ask me if specific special dates would work in our calendar, she planned a birthday party for me in her home, she included our children and GG in her attention in a very "sisterly" manner. THAT took all of the angst out of it for me.
I did the same, from the beginning, but she has been the only one to reciprocate. It meant A LOT. I made a point of noting her birthday so I could be sure not to make plans that day, made sure to break out time for Maca and I for Mothers Day, instead of scheduling the whole day for me, so Maca could spend part of it with her (she was a single mom) etc.

However-when the next young lady came into the picture (E moved away); she was very self-centered. Maca was so caught up in her that all of the same reservations and concerns that he wasn't REALLY poly came back to a head.
That situation blew up in everyone's face and his final response was to decide not to date for now because he doesn't believe he is good at relationships.
So-I imagine it will come again and I fully expect that the nerves will re-ignite for me.


THAT SAID-I think it would probably be more similar for me to compare Mono with GG. GG has always insisted that he's mono and that he wants no one but me.
He hasn't considered dating, he doesn't even socialize without me except with his best friend (and Getsui's family). He says he's too busy, which is true, but being busy is a choice he makes and it's my impression that part of why he makes that choice is so that he CAN'T meet someone else.

I am CERTAIN that if he were to switch around and decide he wanted to be poly it would rock my world.
I have often suggested it, I have often even tried to promote it.
But, regardless of those efforts, 20 years of him being mono to me EVEN WHEN I WASN'T DATING HIM AT ALL, him suddenly finding a girlfriend would turn my "normal" upside down.

I love him. I would hold myself accountable to find my way to full acceptance and if our bond and connection wavered or was lost, I would fight to regain it-even against my own feelings of hopelessness or whatever.
But I don't think it would be easy.

I think you are grieving and probably in emotional shock too. I think you might find that if you read some on grief and the loss of a spouse-you may find some of it beneficial for dealing with your emotions right now.
EVERY TIME I read about this and what you are feeling, I think of "Marksbabygirl" (name on here) blog (not on here) about Marks death and how she is coming to terms. I think you have her on your fb. I know Derby does. Maybe go read some of that blog and consider similarities?

FINALLY-
remind yourself that growth and learning, they take time. Never the short amount of time we wish! This is A LOT to take in. A lot of change in a variety of relationships! Be patient with yourself RP. Even good changes are stress! Our minds and bodies need pauses, rest times, when dealing with stress.

I haven't seen you post anything about running or even walking in months. Just sleeping and video games and grief.
Go walk, run if you can. Let your tears flow-who cares, the wind will wash them to sea. But go get some exercise. Seriously-it helps your mind to find a new perspective.
Sleep is important-but so is exercise. Both give you different kinds of rest. Sleep gives rest to your body, exercise gives rest to your mind.

HUGS!
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