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Old 05-12-2013, 12:25 AM
Ssandra Ssandra is offline
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Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 65
Default I would like some non-hormonal opinions on my situation please

Hi all,

I'm new to this forum, so I hope this is the right place for this question.

In short our situation; If you just want to skip to the question, it's below in bold.

I'm together with my husband for 9 years, married for 7. All that time we have had an open relationship (sex ok, feelings not) because that was his limit. I was ok with it, I didn't feel it limited me at that moment.

We did have some separate sexual experience and some threesomes, but nothing mayor. No jealousy issues on either side.

He met a new group of friends a few years ago, younger then he is, but fun people to hang around with and party with. I know them and get along fine with them, but I wouldn't say that I am good friends with them (because of lack of contact, not because of lack of liking them).

About 3 weeks ago one of them asked my husband for a cup of coffee and told him that she was starting to fall for him. Fun thing; I predicted that that was what she would say when he told me that she asked him for coffee

Her intention was to just mention it, so he would understand if she would be weird around him for a while.

Since I've never had any issue with multiple relationships, I asked my husband what he felt for her. He took some days to think about it, but once he realized that I'd be ok with it, he started imagining the both of them in a different way and long story short, they've been dating for 3 weeks now, and are heavenly in love.

I adore seeing my husband in love. It is cute, lovely and extremely entertaining on my part.

Of course I have issues. I'm human after all. But all my issues have to deal with either envy (I want to feel again what he is feeling! It is fun!!), or time management (it took some time to get used to the idea that he wouldn't spend every day and night with me anymore). No jealousy here. I'd have the same time management issues if he were going away for work suddenly often.

Anyway; here is the major complication: I'm almost 7 months pregnant. Yes, the timing could have been better, but feelings happen when they happen.

The issues with being pregnant is hormones. Hormones make my emotions 10 times more noticeable and make me feel a lot more vulnerable to them. I also exaggerate things at times without realizing it. All part of the wonders of pregnancy

Anyway; The question:

Although this other girl knows that my husband is married, and she personally knows me, he still does try to "hide" the fact that I am in his life. Little things, like saying "I have to go to my parents place tonight for mothers day", instead of "We are going my parents today for mothers day".

Today we went to the movies, and since he hadn't discussed with her yet how she feels about him seeing a movie twice or seeing a movie first with me, he said he had to work instead of that he went to the movies with me.

It result in little things that kind of are hurtful for me, such as her answering texts saying "well, just think of me and my kisses when you are at your parents". Not on purpose, but I think if she knew I'd be there, she wouldn't text that. Or if she would, it would be very insensitive, I think...

(we have an open text situation; meaning she knows I read his texts and is ok with that and so is he. No sneaking going on)

Anyway, my issue isn't as much with her as it is with my husband. I feel like he is simply ignoring me, in his relationship with her.

Now; I understand that it is going to take time for her to get over the entire idea that he is married and that it is not cheating and that they are allowed to be happy and everything. I understand that it will take time before we can all be friends and eventually even hang out. I wish we were already there, or at least that I knew that they would eventually want to be there.

However, am I completely wrong (and hormonal) into feeling excluded and not important when my husband "hides" our relationship this way?
He says he does it because she cannot handle it yet, because it freaks her out. Which might be fair enough, but doesn't hiding it just prolong the inevitable? And make it more of an issue than it should be?


Any insights in this?

I do talk to my husband about this and he says that I want to move too soon and too quick. That I have to take into account social conditioning (they are Mexican, I'm Dutch, HUGE cultural difference). That things will happen eventually (his estimation, 6 months to a year). That I am expecting people to be ok with things which are not normal.

My opinion is that if you want to do something, better to just do it right away. To talk about it, to make it normal to talk about daily issues. To make it normal, even if it is awkward in the beginning. If you avoid it, won't it just be more awkward later on?

Especially since we are going to have a baby. I definitely don't mind them baby sitting while I go out, or my baby getting to know her as an aunt.

I just detest anything that feels like hiding, sneaking around, not being completely honest. And this feels like that. And it makes me feel that something that could be beautiful and normal and valuable between them is just wrong...



Thanks for reading. Any insights welcome!!
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