OK, let's recap. You're really floundering, RP. You've been used to being something of a poly expert, live-in V, active on here, in the RL local poly community, setting up events, having 2 lovers besides your live-ins. Now your whole poly world has fallen apart.
Mono: you loved that you were his "one and only." But you eventually rebelled against his boundary of you only being in an intimate relationship with him, your husband PN, and Derby. Despite his warnings you'd become less important to him if you got more lovers, you ignored that warning and went ahead with Ken and Brad. Then he did become distant, and got a gf and pulled away from you, just as he'd guaranteed he would. You could have trusted his initial words. He told you what would happen and you seemingly ignored it. "Mono draw away from me? That could never happen!" But it has. Maybe you'll trust him more if you remember his clear warning. He was being honest back then, and now his actions match his words.
PN: Your husband, with whom the sex had become lukewarm at best-- "married sex," you called it, as if married sex is never hot and overwhelming. Now he seems to be hot for someone else. Wants to "go mono" with her? Does that mean move out? Will there be some sort of alteration in your already basically sexless marriage?
Derby: your gf.... You never say much about her other than doing cultural things together, I don't even know if you two have sex. I've read you to say there is some kissing. Will you continue as is, without the kissing, now that you've broken up?
Brad: I never understood this relationship. It seems OK, but must not mean much to you. I mean, all your real pain seems centered around Mono getting a gf. You just dumped Brad as a bf quite suddenly with not much angst, it seems. You didn't report on his feelings of distress at being dumped.
Will PN and Mono both move out? Does Mono still want to be your bf in any way, shape or form? Do you want him at all now that he has a gf? Do you regret taking up with Ken and Brad in the first place, which set this chain of events in action?
And don't answer if you don't want to, but, do you and Mono have sex anymore? You say your connection is lost. Sometimes couples that are fighting still have hot sex (my ex h and I did), but sometimes it's the last thing one wants. So, are you horny, my dear? Would sex relieve stress or is it something you can't even contemplate?
Mono's nervous now being your only lover? Is he still your lover? Does he feel badly you don't trust him or seem to want him much now that you're not the center of his universe?
Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley
There's no lying in polyamory!
I'm a 58 year old woman with 2 partners:
miss pixi, my live-in gf, 36 (together since Jan '09)
Ginger, bf, 61, married, lives nearby (together since Jan '12)