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Old 05-10-2013, 03:11 PM
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Marcus Marcus is offline
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Portland, OR
Posts: 1,587

Originally Posted by Josie View Post
General update: She decided not to meet up. Despite being the one that asked us if we'd talk to here, she now says that we have nothing to talk about.

*shrugs* I'm mostly relieved about this and I think my boyfriend is too - there was a lot of messing around and at least that's over.
It doesn't sound like she would have been a very positive addition to your world.

Originally Posted by Josie View Post
Relationships are all about compromising between each sides' (selfish) needs.
*Your* relationship is apparently all about compromise.

My relationships are about enjoying what my partners naturally choose to give me and vice verse. I don't want IV to give things up for me; to alter herself to try and become a puzzle piece that fits better in the slots provided. I want her to flourish and live her life as she chooses to live it. My hope is that she will naturally choose to give me her attention and time as we grow, but I am not entitled to it.

This is of course not a statement about the details of living in the same space. Splitting rent is a compromise, doing ones own dishes is a compromise, etc.

Originally Posted by Josie View Post
Moving through and constantly evolving, changing and broadening yourself despite the pain and stress it can cause, is not something that I would call selfish.
Challenging your intellectual and emotional comfort zone is a good thing. Kudos to you for going down that path.

Originally Posted by Josie View Post
Sure, push to shove people will 'handle' their emotions, but as far as I'm concerned, it's a general relationship trait that you don't want your partner to be in pain and that if you can help without it encroaching on your own needs - you generally do it.
I consider both of those statements to be perfectly in line with my view.
1. An adult is capable of dealing with their own feelings
2. Concern for others leads us to help them when doing so does not encroach on our own needs

Originally Posted by Josie View Post
I could have said "You're an adult, I'm sure you can handle your own emotions", but no, I put down what I was doing for the moment and gave him a hug and did my best to help him out. He was hurting, perhaps it was inconvenient for me to help him out and give him what he needed, but it didn't encroach on my needs and it helped him out.

I don't think I could ever be in a relationship where the mantra dictated that just because I was an adult that I wasn't entitled to some help every now and again if I was struggling.
The mantra does indeed state that I am not entitled. Entitlement is fundamentally repugnant to what I consider to be a healthy relationship.

The statement that an adult is capable of dealing with their own emotions is simply a worldview axiom. The conversation starts there, with me. It informs my view of compassion, loyalty, honesty, tenderness, etc. IV is not beholden to me in any way, she is not required to kiss me, to greet me when she comes in the door, to sleep in my bed, to share her dinner with me, to tell me about her new lovers... so if she should choose to do any of these things I know for a fact that she is doing so purely because she desires to do so. She is not going through the motions to sate some entitlement or insecurity issue I have. There is weight from an external assumption pushing her to act in this way.
Me: male, 43, straight, non-hierarchical, independent
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