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Old 05-10-2013, 02:26 PM
Josie Josie is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 70
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General update: She decided not to meet up. Despite being the one that asked us if we'd talk to here, she now says that we have nothing to talk about.

*shrugs* I'm mostly relieved about this and I think my boyfriend is too - there was a lot of messing around and at least that's over.

Marcus: Yes everyone is selfish, that's the way people work. However, when someone calls another person selfish it's not to just point out 'Hey! You're like every other human I know!', it's meant as an insult, it's meant as a way to say that you're being unreasonable.

You say that I'm selfish in putting my needs before others? Yes, I suppose I do. But then again, so does my boyfriend. He needs to be poly to be happy. I need to take things slow to be happy. Relationships are all about compromising between each sides' (selfish) needs. That's what we've done here. We've figured out a way that works for both of us and are both constantly trying to push our boundaries to the limit so as to try and be able to meet eachother's needs better.

True selfishness is knowing you have trouble with something and not being willing to budge at all for the sake of someone you love. Moving through and constantly evolving, changing and broadening yourself despite the pain and stress it can cause, is not something that I would call selfish.

So yes, I may be selfish for sticking to my current needs, but I would argue that constantly pushing myself to make those needs smaller and less limiting is the opposite.

I think the "You're an adult, I'm sure you can handle your own emotions", is complete rubbish. Sure, push to shove people will 'handle' their emotions, but as far as I'm concerned, it's a general relationship trait that you don't want your partner to be in pain and that if you can help without it encroaching on your own needs - you generally do it.

My boyfriend was very upset the other day and came up to me whilst I was really quite busy, I could have said "You're an adult, I'm sure you can handle your own emotions", but no, I put down what I was doing for the moment and gave him a hug and did my best to help him out. He was hurting, perhaps it was inconvenient for me to help him out and give him what he needed, but it didn't encroach on my needs and it helped him out.

I don't think I could ever be in a relationship where the mantra dictated that just because I was an adult that I wasn't entitled to some help every now and again if I was struggling.
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