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Old 05-10-2013, 01:48 PM
WhatHappened WhatHappened is offline
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Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 912

Originally Posted by Magdlyn View Post
What? Are you saying you are currently absolutely refusing to meet the wife of your bf? Because you've been fucking him, it feels "sexual", or somehow extremely violating, to meet his wife? Gosh. You're so afraid of meeting his wife, you'd break up with the man you love, rather than spend an hour or 2 having a coffee with his primary? This is such an extreme reaction.
I'm not 'fucking' him. I'm not sleeping with him. I have not had sex with him.

I see a difference between fear and discomfort.

It wouldn't be about breaking up over having coffee. It would be more about breaking up over being pressured into something. As things stand now, the door is open because neither of them has pressured me.'re welcome to your opinion. I'm glad that he is a little more charitable in his judgments and in his willingness not to call me names for feeling as I do.

This *could* be how *you* feel about meeting your metamour, but again, WHAT? such an extreme reaction, this assumed underground power struggle, just because someone wants to see who the hell their beloved spouse is spending so much intimate time with?
When people surround themselves with others of the same world--be that fishing, poly, a religion--they can forget how things look to those outside that world. In the poly world, this getting together is very normal. I offer how it DOES feels to me (no 'could' about it) as a possibility for how this guy might feel, a possibility that has not yet been put forward. You may consider it extreme. Perhaps OP or his wife considers it extreme. But just as some of the negatives put forth in the other threads about this guy will not help build a good realtionship with him, neither will calling him extreme.

Having some understanding and charity for how others may feel is a better way, in my view, to build good relationships.

Well, anyone dating a partnered poly woman better face up to the fact she is NOT 1) cheating (which is "bad" but acceptable in mainstream society), nor is she 2) single! She is poly, and in poly, certain new things come with the territory.
Yes, anyone dating a poly person should be aware of all of that. However, there is a lot of talk about boundaries and limits here, and that sometimes, those needs/wants/boundaries just don't line up, and therefore two people aren't a match. I think Marcus is right on in saying the OP has a perfect right to request a meeting. He and his wife have a perfect right to have that as a hard limit. The BF has an equal right to have a hard limit that he's not comfortable. He's not required to keep dating OP's wife, and he's not required to meet any condition they lay down. If their limits conflict, it's not a match, and no need to call someone extreme for having different things with which they're comfortable.
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