Originally Posted by Librarian
Whereas I was fine a few days ago to listen to her talk about him, I now feel like he has almost broken me down to the point where I don't even want to acknowledge him, just like he is choosing not to acknowledge me.
I think this is the crucial point. He might not want to meet you because his fearful that you might be hard on him. OR, he might not want to meet you because somewhere in his mind he is not dating a married woman. I personally think he, as you've said, doesn't want to acknowledge you at all. And I think that's a problem. A good way to figure our if that's the case might be to ask your wife how YOU figure into their relationship. Do they talk about her life with you? or does he shudder at the mention of your name? If he is pretending the situation is something it isn't (AKA she's single/cheating) neither of the people involved will be happy in the long run.
It's worthwhile sharing some of these concerns with your wife. If she does chose to end it, it should be her choice. It's tricky, cause she might be really into him and in NRE, but I hope for your sake she's on top of the situation enough to see the merit of your concerns and address them.
Do you guys read up on others experiences in open relationships? New partners who will not meet an existing partner are mentioned as a "red flag" in most poly-advice type things I've read. And rightly so, in my opinion.
Also, I identify with the "I always wanted this and now it's here and it's not tasty at all" notion. Me and my wife are also new to poly. I was the one pushing for it. She is the one seeing someone else. I found I am uncomfortable and even miserable. I was disappointed with myself. I felt like a hypocrite. How can I be against this if I helped create this situation? I thought, like you do now, I have to take responsibility. I can't back out now, my wife will resent me, and worse- I will resent MYSELF.
After much deliberation, and writing and reading here, something clicked. I realized I did not have a problem with my wife seeing someone else, but I did have a problem with who she was seeing and the situation it was putting us in (she is sleeping with someone who is cheating).
Once I was clear WHY I felt so uncomfortable, I told my wife I can't live with this relationship, despite still wanting to have ours as an open one. For me "open" means no lies, on either side. She is still figuring out what it means to her, and deliberating what to do with her other relationship. I give her time. I know it's not easy to give up on a new partner, and she needs to figure out who she is and what kind of "open" relationship she envisions herself in. I hope we reach a point where we can agree on a relationship format that works for both of us. But if we don't, it breaks my heart, but I will let her go.
The thing is, I am at peace. I've learned so much about myself and my boundaries in the last month, about what kind of relationships I can and can't do, that I am truly grateful for the experience (read some of my original threads to see how different this is from the suffering of the uncertainty and self doubt stage).
What I'm trying to say is- we are new at this. It is OK to test the waters, and figure out what's OK with you and what isn't. It does not mean you ordered the wrong dish. Think of an "open relationship" as more of a tasting platter. You sample each dish, until you find the one you like. And you hope your partner likes the same dish.
That's how I see it anyway. Good Luck!