You know I really felt like communication has been improving but...
Well I guess it is more obvious now why I was so upset last thursday. It seems Jasper didn't actually hear me say any of those things I hadn't done yet. I'm not sure how that is possible but it was late... Well he certainly had heard some of it since that's what led to the Saturday talk so now I'm really not sure how that is possible. Anyhow I simply can't even formulate the words for how I feel about his disappointment with me. Maybe it isn't worth trying to talk about and I should just get to the lessons learned.
1. If you expect something to be done on a certain date you should ask "Is this done?" on or before that date.
2. I report everything I've done, if you haven't heard me say I did it, I haven't.
3. I am taking a break from planning anything.
4. I will never ever involve myself in his plans for shows again nor will I ever combine shows with other plans. Actually I don't think we should go to shows together anymore at all. It's going to be a big deal and we're going to have to fight about it at some point soon. The consequences that I probably won't see him as often and we will lose the shared experience that originally brought us together don't outweigh the problems it has caused between us now that I no longer feel the same way about shows that he does. I know he is going to be very upset about this but I am tired of being at failure at trying to make it work. I'm going to be upset too. I loved our travel together, I loved that we were able to share those experiences that few other people understood. Its hard to let go of things even when they aren't working anymore.
I am also feeling terrible about crying to Herman about it. In this case I know I needed to at least tell him what happened because we was involved in the problem and while I don't feel it was his fault at all, he needed to know what was going on and what Jasper was upset about.
The truth is Jasper handled it as well as he could have, at least outwardly. He handled his anger about it very well. He kept as calm as possible. He was able to move to talking about what needed to be done to fix it despite his mind still being stuck on how did this happen. He apologized for his reaction and told me it was a last in a long line of people not getting things done at work as well. He told me he loved me when we got off the phone. Nevertheless I am not handling it well at all.
I've gotten everything done. I'm picking up a car on my lunch break tomorrow, loading it and driving 6 hours after work. I've booked a room for him to check in to before we can get there. When looking up directions to the venue, I discovered the will call was several blocks from gates so I've bought him a ticket so he doesn't have to deal with possibly having to wait to pick one up and miss the opening. We'll wake up early and drop him off as early as he needs. It isn't enough and he is still upset. I keep telling myself its resolved because I know what to avoid in the future but its hard to feel like he even wants to see me now. I just want to talk to him without fighting and it just isn't possible. It seems like he thinks everything I do is a set up to trap him in to looking like the bad guy. Or to pull some games with him to intentionally ruin his day. I just don't understand where that comes from. Why is it so easy for him to think I could be so cruel, and if it is, what on earth is he with me for? It's all so far from reality as I see it.