Follow-up to my last post --
The party that night was a learning-focused event, with a happy, diverse (always nice to see) crowd of people having fun and helping each other. Clay was still running the door when I arrived. Once he was free, he spent some time with me (we drew a small crowd), then spent some time with Nikki (they drew a large crowd, the stuff they were doing was much more unique and interesting, I don't have the skills for it yet). Good time management, Clay. ^_^
When his scene with Nikki was done and everyone else had cleared out of that particular room, Clay suggested that perhaps she and I would like to spend some time talking. We agreed that that seemed like an excellent idea, and he left us to it.
It was a great getting-to-know-you, negotiation conversation. I felt like we really laid everything on the table. She laid out a boundary or two relating to how she wanted to be touched, we each agreed that there were no jealousy issues to be concerned about. We spent a fair amount of time each discussing what we liked about our interactions with Clay (her dynamic with him is *very* different than mine). And we talked about the kinks we each wanted to engage in, and how we might manage to mesh them. It managed to be both a very relaxed and a very exciting talk.
All three of us went back to Clay's house. At first he was suggesting that we let go of one of the things Nikki had wanted to do, just for one evening, since it was going to make things more complicated. She and I were unanimous in insisting that we could incorporate it just fine, and I'm pleased to say that we were right. There was a lot of giggling, a lot of kissing. I went from thinking she seemed quite nice to actually really, really liking her... she was just so fun and playful and happy.
Suffice to say, we all had an excellent time. I may or may not post about it in more detail on my tumblr, I wrote her a message today asking if she'd mind if I did (in addition to Clay, another mutual acquaintance follows my blog, so I figured there was a chance she'd be uncomfortable with me describing our activities), and I'm waiting to hear back.
After it was all done, Clay walked her out, spent a few minutes taking to her (he reported back that she shared the same feeling as he and I did, that it was a splendid experience, and this was confirmed in a message she sent me the next day). Then he and I talked through what we'd done together before falling asleep in each other's arms.
In the morning, we made love. It was nothing but perfect, until about halfway through when he said something that I thought was out of line based on what we had discussed me being ok and not ok with. There was some blurriness there, it's not like he crossed a bright, red line, but I was still surprised and unhappy at the choice he'd made. He could tell immediately that I was upset and we paused what we were doing so he could apologize and we could spend a minute talking it out.
We kept fooling around after that, and parted very warmly, but the incident stuck with me. He messaged me a couple of hours later, and one of the first things he did was apologize again. I expended a lot of words explaining why, exactly, I'd been upset, and explaining my dilemma as to whether or not I wanted to ask him to never do that again. He took it on himself to pledge not to, which was really, in retrospect, what I think I'd wanted and needed -- for the issue of better protecting my limit around that particular topic to be something he actively chose, not something I had to request of him.
I'm still a little surprised at his mistake. But I also think I understand what he was thinking. Moreover, he's human... it's easy to paint him as perfect in my head when I've given him so much control over me, but nobody is. I'm proud of myself for speaking up, proud of him for admitting fault and taking responsibility for change, and proud of our relationship for being a safe space for us to talk about hard things. Can't wait to see him next week when he gets back from his trip.