View Single Post
Old 05-09-2013, 01:48 AM
nycindie's Avatar
nycindie nycindie is offline
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Big Apple
Posts: 10,083

Originally Posted by leelee22 View Post
UGH! I just spent nearly an hour typing out those terms i said I'd write into a reply, and then it wouldn't load.
Make sure whenever you login here that you check the little box that says "Keep me logged in" or however it is worded. Then your posts won't time out while you are writing long ones.

It's a good start! I think you should take out all the instances where you've written "have permission." That sounds like you are requesting those things from his GF and not him, and that you are saying she is in control of him. Just state what you want from him. It's up to him to manage how he is going to meet your terms, if he is willing. If she has his balls in her purse, that's his problem. He will have to do his renegotiating with her if he is going to meet your terms, but you can't really tell him to "get permission." That just sounds like he's 12 years old and needs a note from mommy. And when you say "I want you to get permission to do such-and-such" you are not acknowledging that it is his own choice in the matter.

Here is how I would re-word what you wrote (my changes will be in bold):

Originally Posted by leelee22 View Post
Leelee's Terms

Full disclosure to your partner
Direct confirmation from her (email, phone, or in person) that these terms are ok with her
Face to face meeting with her, either with or without you
[I took out the "occasional socializing" bit because IMHO you can't really expect or force that. Healthy, respectful metamour relationships can still work very well without socializing together. It's great if it happens, but I wouldn't make it a necessity. That's just my take on it, so I thought I'd throw it out there to you, but if it's very important to you, then by all means leave it in.]

His engagement with my life:
Email, text, or phone contact, at least every 3 days
Be willing to hear about my life events; share yours
Take an interest in my plans, hopes, dreams; share yours
Be willing to meet my kids once trust and a commitment is established [you should be in control of when that happens]

Time together:
Make time for me at least 3X a month (we both have significant time constraints, this is not solely his issue)
Only one of those 3 meetings can be at Oasis, but is not required (a sex club he likes and I don't like) [IMO,why agree to go at all if you don't like it?]
Spend quality time together without having sex (e.g. go out for a drink after work) [you do not say how often you want to do this! If he only can see you 3x/mo., how about at least once a month, you agree to non-sexual activities?]
Go for dinner or to a cultural event with me occasionally (this was one of his GF's dealbreakers)
Come to my house within 3 weeks of making this agreement (he has never been to my house. However we do live more than an hour's drive apart)

When we have plans to be together, stick to them and do not cancel unless there is an emergency. To be in relationship with me, I must be a priority, consistent with our mutual emotional investment and the amount of time we can spend together. Do not expect me to acquiesce and rearrange my schedule if other people want to book time with you that has already been booked for me.

Reinforce to your partner that having me in your life is a need that YOU want met.

Go away with me on an occasional overnight, e.g. to the cottage. Your GF is welcome to come too.

Emotional connection:
Be honest and upfront with your GF regarding any emotional involvement with me. Do not make me a dirty little secret. Be emotionally available, attached, and out about it.
The world opens up... when you do.

"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia

Click here for a Solo Poly view on hierarchical relationships
Click here to find out why the Polyamorous Misanthrope is feeling disgusted.

Last edited by nycindie; 05-09-2013 at 01:53 AM.
Reply With Quote