I finally had the chance to talk to my Mrs.'s ex. Apologies were issued on both sides. It was a productive talk. It lasted a few hours. We remained civil, and respect was present. There was no talking over each other. I heard her out, and she heard me out. We reached a level of understanding and agreement. Everything was addressed and put out in the open. Tension was thick but we managed and handled it like adults.
I apologised for how I conducted myself back in March. Some of the things I said were no doubt hurtful. I said many things in anger, and I should've tried to control that more than I did. I didn't mean it when I told her that I wished she had never been around. Fact is she has been just as long as me. She never was an evil person. I also apologised for making her feel unwanted and like she wasn't part of the fam. That was mean. We're not the conventional fam. I know there's no such thing as the perfect parent. I probably expected too much of her. Hell, I have room to improve myself. Each day is a chance to be better than the last. I make mistakes. Her cutting them off was a mistake, and she said she regrets doing that every single day. She wants to make amends and correct that. I legitimately believe she loves my kids. I don't think she meant to hurt them. I always had doubts aboutt her love and how deep it really was, but it was the way she said it. There was conviction and sincerity behind her words.
We cleared up a huge misunderstanding. Her lack of parenting wasn't because she didn't want to be there. She just didn't know what needed to be done, so she did what she wanted as she saw fit. She assumed that amongst the three of us, it was already covered, and she thought we didn't need the help. Like I told her parenting doesn't come with a handbook. You just go with it and fumble until you get it right. If given the proper chance, I'm sure she'd probably be good at it.
The topic of moving came up. She explained that she had reservations about moving, and she was worried about starting all the way over. She told my Mrs. towards the end of last year about her reservations. She said that back then it was just jitters, but that they still made backup plans. She apologised for going over my head and behind my back. My Mrs. already told me why she did it, but it helped having the other person explain her involvement. She always wanted to move and even planned on continuing to go after the reservations were expressed, and she didn't officially decide to back out until I told her she wasn't part of the family and that it wouldn't make much of a difference if she was there or not. I apologised for saying that because it does matter to my kids. Seeing my kid that sad killed me inside. I owed it to my kid to try and make peace. Snowflake is important to my kid. After our argument, she backed away from the plans because she didn't want to be somewhere that she wasn't wanted. I knew I was the reason but hearing it for myself made me realise just how I had treated her.
The plan was for her to move with the fam. The home we purchased was picked out by the three of us. We all agreed on it. My Mrs.'s ex decided how she wanted her in-law suite/guest house to look. She contributed financially. We were going to try a modified version of cohabitation. She would've been living separately but on the same property. She had lined up a new job, and all the signs pointed to her relocating. I found out tonight that she still wants to go and still wants to keep the plans, if we will still have her.
She apologised for how she reacted, everything she said during the argument, overstepping my boundaries, and making me feel undermined. That wasn't her intention. Her apologies all seemed sincere, and I'd be a hypocrite if I didn't give her a second chance. I gave my wife one. Before we fell out and before the feelings came into play, we had forged a friendship. I cared about her, and after talking to her, I still do. No denying that. I'd like to repair some of the damage and try to be cordial and maybe even friends again one day.
I don't see her as enemy like I did. Deep down, she's a good person. Hell, I dated her. Her judgement might not have been the best, but it's cool. I can't hate her for making mistakes. I damn sure made my share of them.
I don't know what the next step is. We've agreed that if she moves, we're going to therapy together. If not, we're still going to try to repair the damage. We can't fix this on our own. We owe it to the kids to act like we have sense and work together at least for their benefit. She offered to find a flat elsewhere if it would be too much of an inconvenience for her to still move in with us. I don't know about all that. She invested half of the funds to complete the renovation on the guest house. It's as good as hers, and we'd have to reimburse her if she moves somewhere else or doesn't move at all.
The Mrs. and I were talking about what had been discussed, but we chose to leave it be for the night. We'll pick back up when she comes over for dinner.
Last edited by Matt; 05-09-2013 at 04:02 AM.