Thread: wife of a Poly
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Old 05-08-2013, 10:15 PM
monkeystyle monkeystyle is offline
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: South of Chicago, IL
Posts: 149

Originally Posted by newme View Post
I haven't written in a while. Honestly things haven't gone anywhere for DH as far as finding another relationship for us to start this new poly adventure. But we both have tested some boundaries and we have been working hard at communicating with each other. DH has been in school for the past 5 years and now its finally over. I am worried what the future will be like. I always envisioned it would mean more time for me and for our family but I realize that this new poly path we are going down will change that.

My biggest difficulty right now is trust with DH. He came clean about an affair he had with M about 6 months ago. But now I am constantly wondering who he is texting, if he telling the truth where he is going and just generally not trusting him. I was good for a couple of months and really trying hard to trust him. He kept telling me he had no reason to lie or hide things because we were being so honest with each other. So I grasped on to that and tried to trust him. But then DH recently lied to me about going to dinner with M. He didn't tell me about it before hand because he thought I would freak. He did tell me immediately afterwords tho. I find this to be a set back for me and once again I am struggling with trust all over again. I am trying to find the strength in myself to trust him again but its difficult when I feel like the trust has been broken over and over. He knows he screwed up and realizes he should have told me to begin with. i know there will be ups and downs and we will both make mistakes.

I feel like I am on such a roller coaster. I will be good for weeks or even a month and then something hits me and I am a mess for a day or so. The good times are getting longer and longer so thats reassuring. When I am down I am able to talk with DH and it is helpful. He is very loving and supportive.

Now that school is done for DH the expectation is for him to start another relationship and start down the poly path. I feel like I am not ready, but will I ever be?
I'm not sure it's your burden to find strength to trust, when it should be his burden to prove himself trustworthy.

If he's proving himself a liar, and willing to keep things from you for whatever reason. Things that you REQUIRE for changes in your relationship to create continued stability, then why bother trying at all? I'm sorry, but I don't think it's your burden - but his. Cheating, lying and misrepresenting - regardless of reason - are clear signs that maturity doesn't exist and more work on the couple needs to happen before any other things can happen. More work on his side at the very least.

I think you're getting yourself into a no-win situation by not calling a halt to this and working on the marriage. Or more specifically, why your husband shows deceit and breaks the bonds of trust. That is NOT your fault. But it needs to be dealt with.
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