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Old 05-08-2013, 04:22 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Hi there. You know how couples will have their set of rules or boundaries that they agree to when they embark on poly? And then any of their respective additional partners have to assess whether or not, and how, the rules of that one couple would would affect them?

I firmly believe that all solos need to develop their own set of personal boundaries as well. When a couple, or one person in a couple, presents any rules or boundaries that they expect any additional partners to respect or comply with, then it is up to the solo to then present his or her boundaries that the person or couple must also respect in order to be in relationship with them. If they balk, what is there to consider? If you accept their terms without them accepting yours, then your boundaries mean nothing and you set yourself up for disaster and being walked all over.

Have you developed your set of boundaries? If so, what are they? If one of your boundaries is not to be treated like a sex toy, and they have a rule that you can only be be with him for sex and no feelings are allowed between you, then you are obviously not compatible. That is time to say, "Thanks but no thanks" and walk away. Without looking back. It seems that is what you did - but now you are looking back. Have you changed your boundaries? If you don't have a set of boundaries, that is not healthy, and I suggest you figure out and develop them NOW.

Some of my boundaries that absolutely must be respected are: no metamour will dictate the terms of my relationships; I am always respected as an autonomous person who makes my own decisions; and I need to communicate directly with any metamours before embarking on a relationship with someone who is in a committed relationship with someone else (just to confirm what I am being told, and that there is consent for him to have additional partners). There are a few more, and they do apply to anyone I get involved with. Yes, of course I will respect matters having to do with time management, especially if a man I get involved with is a parent. I totally understand if a couple has a specific night designated for them, for example, but no one should be managing any relationship except the people in it. Therefore, things like a wife or gf having veto power or forbidding emotional involvement do not fly with me, no matter how hot the guy is or how good he smells. I have walked away from several hot guys basically because their wives had them on leashes and expected to limit who I could be in relationship with those men, or there was a DADT policy between them. Neither of those scenarios respect MY boundaries, so it's a no-go for me, no matter what!

When you meet with him, the best way to be prepared, IMHO, is to review and remind yourself of your own personal boundaries and ask whether or not he and she have the ability and willingness to commit to respecting them (and, therefore, you).
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"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
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An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/

Last edited by nycindie; 05-08-2013 at 04:37 PM.
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