I'm sorry to read about your and your wife's misery. No one enjoys these fights and least, the kids.
My parents went through a divorce when I was about 11 years old. And in my country, with our super slow judicial system, that process was drawn out for 10 years. During which there was a constant tension in the house, sometimes shoutings, sometimes cold silences. My younger brother and I went through a real rough patch. I think that we still carry some of those negative feelings we had back then with us today, and that it's affecting us even now as an adult. I can be very insecure and suspicious at times and that leads to anger and that leads to having shout downs of my own with people I love...
My brother and I don't talk about those days, we didn't then and we don't now. We just moved on. But I know that we both have unspoken feelings deep down, perhaps even guilt. Yeah, children can feel responsible for their parents splitting up... But when I look back at those days now, as a 27 year old adult, I see how pointless it all was and how much potential for happiness they threw away. Today they both live separately, none of them remarried, and they both feel quite alone.
When we were young, Mom was the one to always wake up early and make us breakfast, drive us to school, take us out to the beach on holidays, etc. Dad was usually busy with work and didn't join us. We spent time with him when he was free, but I don't think he made much of an effort to make free time to spend with us. Even when we went on vacation, we went to visit mom's parents and dad hardly joined us for that. Neither did he try to plan trips that didn't involve meeting the in-laws, if that's the reason why he didn't join us in the first place. So fun time gradually meant Mom to us.
Dad loves us like crazy, no doubt about it. But he didn't spend enough time with us growing up... and that also means he didn't spend much time with Mom.
I wonder what would have happened if they spent more time together, without us kids. What if they started "dating" again... I wonder if they wouldn't have forgotten why they got married in the first place.