Could you please be willing to consider hitting the "enter" key a few times so there's breaks? It is hard on the eyes and then makes it harder to give you feedback.
I thought you were broken up. How'd that all come back together again?
You are bumping against various limitations.
1) You are worried you more into her than she sounds like she is into you. Could ASK HER if she would prefer to just date your DH and not you. If friends, be friends then. No point in trying to force a "triad thing" where it naturally wants to be a "V" thing.
2) You are suffering being in a CLOSED triad watching DH and her get all NRE googly. Sounds like you are envious and wish you had this. Could do the work to let the envy go, and could negotiate the relationship boundaries to allow you to seek it.
3) Your DH is not willing to move toward "Open V" so that the other players can date other people. He doesn't want you to date others. He's worried about her finding another partner. Is he expecting a one-penis-policy? Could ask him if this is the unspoken expectation.
4) Your needs are not met in this configuration. Could tell him you are not willing to participate in a CLOSED situation where your needs are met. Could do conflict resolution to try to meet the needs of all players and restore balance and come up with a better configuration or... end it. The polyship, the marriage, or all the above.
I mean that all kindly -- I'm not saying this to upset you. But lay out all the options on the table and IDENTIFY them first. Them pick from among the most doable/healthy.
Maybe these articles could help you
But the biggest thing I see is you not having consequences.
Here you SPECIFICALLY ask for an action to be done. He's not willing to do it. Worse, he smart asses. This is hurtful to you.
i think alot of it is i dont feel the romance and the passion like he has with her and it hurts. and i try to tell him to hold me, kiss me, and alot of the times i will get smart ass remarks just because thats the way he is. a jokester.
Doesn't matter if he likes to joke. He could DO what you ask. He could hold up his end of the stick in tending to his wife. Do the job and then joke later.
What do you have as a consequence of him neglecting you?