Originally Posted by BrigidsDaughter
You forget that Si had been told she wasn't welcome at their home or a member of the family when she wasn't speaking to the children. She was probably afraid of what would happen if she did with Matt being so volatile at the time. She was also probably reeling. I know there have been times where my husband has completely shut himself off from me or our son while he dealt with something internally before coming back to the family.
I'm not saying it is right or wrong, but with Matt threatening a lengthy custody battle, she may have felt it better if she gave him some space. We don't know, since she is not posting here.
FoL - I think Matt needs to fess up to your daughter that he doesn't want Si to live with you guys. He can tell her that his view of family are only people related by blood or marriage and he only wants to live with people who are relatives (except you guys have a Nanny, so that's not really true) or something along those lines.
If I had been told that, I probably would not be running to be around anyone. I empathised with her because I know those words cut deeper than anything. She had been around for 12 years, and being told that she was not a member of the family and banned from our home had to hurt like a bitch.
He talked to our daughter and realised that his behaviour was borderline ridiculous. They made temporary peace, so she could be around them again. Before they made peace, he asked me if there was anything that could like sway his decision? He was unaware that Si had shut them out all that time, and I did not exactly run to present that to him. I opted to keep quiet about that, and he agreed to let her see them again.
Weeks later everything was revealed during a counselling session. How calls went unreturned and how I had to answer questions about where she was and why she was not around, at recitals, etc. He was mad about her hurting my daughter, and from that day forward, he vowed to never let her be around our children again. The next time she was, the first time was a fluke and scheduling conflicts. He had plans with our daughter, the nanny was off, and our son was with me. Our son ended up coming with me to dinner with Si, and we went to her place after. Matt was okay with that. The next day, our daughter was around her. I invited her to lunch with us. That set him off, and we had it out. It was so bad that we were in the same house, and he said maybe five words to me. The only reason he spoke was because he had to go to work. Last week was a bad week.
She has not seen them since the last weekend in April. I am not going against Matt on this again. Working with and not against him is proving to be more effective. He is softening on certain things.
Matt was very volatile, so she was wise to steer clear and give him space. He has calmed down now, but he is still firm in not wanting her around our children. At this point, I am not sure what it will take for him to let go of that. A miracle?
If he tells our daughter that he does not want her to live with us or that she is not part of our family, he better be prepared for whatever comes next. I believe he needs to be honest with her but also be careful with what he says.