Originally Posted by Livingmybestlife
So let's say Matt did a total 180, and he and Si made peace. Would she then go to your new home? Truly wanting to understand the dynamic, I understood that all of you agreed to move. Then Si came to you and you made new plans to stay in UK with her, without discussion with Matt.
I am not sure if I understand that correctly.
Also when Si, decided to ignore the children after the major fight wasn't that hurtful. It seems like this is not healthly for a child either.
Perhaps explaining like any parent, would that Si was part of your life but that she is moving on to other things and while she will always be in her heart, she has made the decision not to move. Honestly, I would be more concerned if the Nanny hadn't gone. Matt, you and the Nanny appear to be the solid foundation in your children's life. Si seems to be there for the good but not the bad.
I do have something to compare this to. My sister was very involved with my child on a daily basis and was very intergal to her. My sister did something that betrayed myself, my husband and my child. She tried to break our family unit out of greed to have a child, herself. I had to remove her from our life and it was difficult on my child. However, I do believe this made the three of us closer as a family and brought a view that people aren't perfect even if we love them to my child.
Truthfully, I have few memories of that time period in my life. As fast as life changes my daughter has few memories and that includes some traumatic stuff from that age.
The plan for almost a year was for her to move, too. Initial hesitation was expressed. I expected that. It is a challenge to move to a new place. I have days like that now, but then I remember that we have a family to take care of, so it puts things back into perspective for me.
We did look into other plans without consulting with Matt which is why trust is missing and why he felt undermined as a parent. I admit that I was selfish in doing that. I did not want to leave her, so I asked him to reconsider without fully disclosing everything at first. That was wrong, and I have sincerely apologised many times over.
Matt is not even willing to do a 10 degree turn. The only reason he is even working with me now is because he sees that our child is hurt. He agreed to talk to Si, but he made it crystal clear that any discussions about our children are off-limits and none of her business. That is about as cooperative as he is willing to be in the efforts to make peace.
That was very hurtful, and Matt has not forgiven her for doing that. That is why he wants her to have no contact at all. He feels like if a child can depend on no one else in the world, mums and dads are supposed to always be there, and he thinks she was not there when they probably needed her.
We actually agreed that it would be traumatic for her to lose our nanny. Nanny J offered to move months back, and I kept her in the loop about wanting to check out nurseries. That was until I realised how I expensive they were, and that it would be more cost effective to hire a nanny. I never would have asked her to move, but she offered once again. I am grateful that she did, though. It saved us from having to search for one, and it enables my daughter to have another familiar and stable person in her life to help her adjust a little better. So yes, it could be said that the three of us are the most solid foundation in my children's lives.
Matt's entire argument is that you cannot choose when to be a parent, and he feels that is what Si does. He believes that she was only there for the good stuff or when it was convenient, but he asked me where was she during everything else? In his eyes, she is not a parent or even a parental figure. I do not expect a 180 or anything else from him. Matt has made it known that he is not stepping back from the line he has drawn.