That's a game, hon.
I hate being called selfish. It's one of the worst insults someone can give me; for a whole bunch of personal reasons. So, when I've been trying so hard, it pains me that someone would call me that. And it insults my boyfriend that she thinks that he's only going along with my needs because I might break up with him otherwise. It makes me think that maybe she doesn't quite understand the compromise part of relationships.
Most decent people really are decent. They cannot fathom when a person goes over the top with selfishosity and they try to reconcile that behavior back to the land of "everyone trying to play well together" rather than accepting this one person being over the top unacceptable. Usually the first stop is "Well, maybe they did not understand..." and trying again.
SHE BROKE UP WITH HIM. Not the other way around. What's she coming back to a situation that does not meet her needs for? I'd be suspicious.
Could be a vampire user.
Could be cowgirl.
She could be learning how to play you guys to her benefit.
Because she now knows she can threaten him with things to get her way. But perhaps NOT quite to the breaking up point. WIth the farewell kissing stuff -- she's learned he's softie so her tactics may change to emotional ones. Like "sob story" stuff -- feigned illness, broken things, whatever to drag him up and over to her to tend to her.
She now knows that YOU give her what she wants (the willing to try again) by poking you with "selfish" because you might rush to prove how "not selfish" you are to tend to her.
Sometimes the only way to "win" is just not to play with emotional vampires
. I would suggest listening to your gut and letting BE broken.
But if you are going to try... could guard against any "Poor lil' ol' me" tactics. Watch carefully. Lay out expectations for a trial period of dating to see if she behaves and if she conducts herself like a trustworthy poly partner or if is it more flaky town. Could get what she's going to be doing to tend to each of YOU in the new agreement.
As for the idea of them staying broken up, my boyfriend has said that unless she comes to accept and understand the arrangements and seems to stop feeling that I'm being selfish or that he's being coerced into 'obeying', that he wouldn't be comfortable with seeing her again.
It's good you want to go along to avoid triangulation.
But I'm not yet hearing what concrete actions she's supposed to do/not do in you polyship.
That stuff up there
is not specific and measurable behavior. You know you can trust your BF because you gave specific and measurable behavior (3 nights, home on time) and he demonstrated the ability to follow through on promises. So he can be trusted to looser guidelines because he's trustworthy.
This one? Proves herself to be kinda flaky so far. Where's her actions to do/not do to prove herself trustworthy? You guys could go to the conversation with a list of things.
Right now I'm just hearing that she's supposed to "feel" whatever. And you cannot control other people's feelings. If I could I'd wave a wand and go "POOF!" and you would not have that lingering bad feeling under there.
She could also LIE and say her feelings have changed just to come back and there you go. Another round of shenanigans with this person. Have you considered that already?
I could be calling this one wrong, I admit. For your sake I hope I am totally off base! But I smell vampire. Maybe the drama queen one. Could read up on emotional vampire types and see if anything pings for you.
Could tread with caution.
At your meeting, could definitely lay out what she needs to do to rebuild trust and sit back and watch her deliver it before trusting her further. She willing to do it or not? Then see what you see.