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Old 05-07-2013, 10:35 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Glad it was helpful, but I am sorry to see you still hurting.

It takes time to finish the stages of grief for the break up with Red. TBH? You sound like you are at the "bargain" stage where you are still trying to make things that do not fit together... fit together somehow.

At 2 mos ish since your last post that sounds about right to me -- "bargaining stage" stuff -- since still processing the break up thing. Breaking up stinks. It takes time to heal.
  • Red and I would both like to continue seeing each other.
  • I don't want to be secondary to a self-centered primary. (Jordan)
  • Jordan's making it very clear that she'd rather accuse me of intentionally hurting her than make an attempt to listen or compromise.

These things cannot co-exist together. Options?
  • You and Red stay broken up and time passes and you get over the pain of the break up and reach toward long term health. You do not have to deal with Jordan.
  • Red and Jordan break up. Time passes and Red gets over the pain of the break up and moves toward long term health even though short term is ugh. When he arrives, you and he get back together. You do not have to deal with Jordan.

  • Any option where you have to deal with Jordan is UGH for you. Could not chose options with UGH in them.

I took the liberty of trimming the extra info out so you can read this below more clearly in your feelings regarding Jordan:
  • I feel marginalized and hurt by her (Jordan) behavior.
  • She and I are still in a girl fight AND she chose this as the best time to reach out to Tim for emotional support. (implied: This bothers me)
  • I feel wary of her intentions.

You do not trust her. To not get dinged by her again? Don't put yourself in a dingable position. Like... could not date the same men.

Could rewrite this NOT in a "questioning" tone but in an assertive "take action" tone. And see how reading that digests:

Quote:
The polymath link you shared above was helpful, but what if I get to know her and rather than establishing trust, I'm starting to feel like trusting her is a mistake? Do I break up with two boyfriends just to avoid her? Do I try and work things out with her, and if so, HOW? Our needs seem to be in direct conflict.
It could be reframed as...

Quote:
The polymath link you shared above was helpful. I tried to get to know her to try to establish trust. I'm starting to feel like trying to trust her is a mistake. I find I do not actually trust her.

(Unstated, but I perceive this is what you want...) I do not want to be around her. To achieve that goal...
  • I am thinking about breaking up with two shared boyfriends so she is not in my orbit.
  • I am thinking about trying and work things out with her again.
Given that she is not willing to play ball with you? Option 2 is out. Already tried it, and no point to revisit. You do not enjoy her as a paramour or as a metamour. She is not willing to change any of her behaviors. So why go for more UGH hamster wheel going in circles?

Could not chose that. Could finish the grief process. And move on. Whether or not you inform Tim and Red about where you stand on Jordan crazy -- that part is optional. You could make your boundaries clear if you decide to inform him. Something like... "Date her, or date me. That is not a poly partner I want for myself, so no. Cannot date us both concurrently. Because I am not willing to be in a polymath with her in it somewhere."

Could look out for your own best healths/interests. Some choices in Life are not "win or lose" but "which one of these stinky options stinks the LEAST?"

RED

Even with Red there's still things that do not line up.
  • Red and I would both like to continue seeing each other.
  • I brought up eliminating the primary/secondary distinction to Red.
  • He claimed to already be on board with that, and to have been attempting to treat Jordan and I as equals.
  • However, she is his primary, whether he calls her that or not. His actions and choices have shown that repeatedly.
  • I don't want to be secondary to a self-centered primary. (Jordan)
  • Jordan's making it very clear that she'd rather accuse me of intentionally hurting her than make an attempt to listen or compromise.
  • implied but perhaps not full accepted? : I don't want to be secondary to a primary (Red) who cannot deliver what I want. (co-primaryship)
  • implied but perhaps not fully accepted? : I do not like the primary/secondary model of open relationship. Not just here with these players but AT ALL.

These things cannot all coexist harmoniously either right now.

Because it happening CONCURRENTLY is NOT going to happen with your willingness right? You are not going to sign up for more crazy town because you value your own well being and health more than being in crazy town romance with Red with a side helping of Jordan, right? And because you are not going to choose something that is essentially incompatible? You both agreed to break up -- it won't fly.

If his situation changes and Jordan is no longer in his polymath picture, he can give you a call. Then see what you all see. THEN. But at THIS time? No, thanks. No crazy town.

I know the short term health is suckage right now for you... but could look after your long term health instead then. Get to the place where in the LONG TERM view, you have arrived at a healthier place for yourself rather than choose behavior that sucks you back into Crazy.

You do not have to automatically accept every invitation you get to Crazy Town. Could RSVP "No, thanks."

Could be kind to yourself as you keep traveling through the stages of grief. Could look them up. Could see what stages come next and monitor yourself -- even if those stink to feel, you know you are making progress through them and will hopefully arrive at "full acceptance."

Then start to feel better. Hang in there!

Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 05-08-2013 at 02:52 AM.
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