I'm feeling something that I think is broadly "jealousy". It hurts. It is challenging. I'm not sure what to do about it.
Grotto and Bijou have been getting along better, and he's really enjoying himself. I think they're good for each other. So what's my problem?
First, straight-up jealousy I think. Competition. The points matter and she's winning. In the worst of this emotion, thoughts of her disgust me because she's doing it better than me
(or so I feel, at those times.) She's sexier, foxier, more seductive, more delicious. She's experienced in getting what she wants. She's shameless. She has a salacious history. She's amazing in bed and conversation. I hate the way she flirts, I hate her heels, I hate the look of her on Grotto's arm. Woah! What happened to compersion?
It feels crazy to experience my defences going up like this. I read a quote today: "You only can't stand what you don't understand." Nice. That's a key I'm definitely gonna keep turning in the lock of this. Though, it's not that I can't stand
Bijou (despite my virtiol above.) It's just that (and this could be no more than a refraction of my jealousy), I'm not sure I trust
her. I'd like to. I hope I can. But... I don't yet.
I have been trying to shift focus, to instead question if I trust Grotto
to have my back. That I know. He really does. But Bijou? She courts the game, salivates at the hunt, and out-plays the players. Grotto said that she's been mellowing out recently, dropping her guard. Hmm. I mean, good for her
But it's unsettling to me that she had cooled towards Grotto until as soon as I was leaving and then, BAM. She's all into him. It could be entirely unrelated timing, but it's not much fun for me.
Then, there are things about Grotto and me that need work. I love him, he is a very kind person. I always enjoy spending time with him. We have a great sexual connection, and easy conversations. But there's stuff beyond this that I need (or desire?) from our relationship, that we've only scratched the surface of. I'm unsure if he is willing and able to put time into them.
For example, one thing that really attracted me to him at the start of our relationship was a shared passion for community building... and I still don't have many concrete experiences of that working out. I also don't see him actually putting effort into changing that (but maybe I'm impatient, or only focusing on the not good enough
aspects. I'm suspicious of my perspective at the moment.)
Some of the things Grotto & Bijou share (drinking, drugs, a deeper appreciation of hedonism? I guess) isn't really my scene. I dabble a bit but I'm cautious of how messing with your brain chemicals can affect your energy and colour your world in a way that means you can't connect without those things. It bores me to get endorphined up and party every weekend, and sometimes mid-week too. I mean, it's the same shit every time, rinse and repeat. Pills and lines. Broke and hungover. There's comradeship in that, for sure, but it's not mine.
And yeah, I know that it's mostly my deal that this isn't my personal buzz right now. I have other priorities (e.g. creativity, politics) that I want to Do Better At. I feel like I've been dropping the ball on certain aspects of what's important to me. So a large part of this "jealousy" could simply be my own disatisfaction with what I'm up to. Hmm. Complex.
I've had some bad to average conversations with Grotto about this stuff. He thinks we should see each other in person and talk it out. I'm ambivalent. I want to see him. I'm sure we'd manage to fuck the pain away, and cuddle chats have always proven to be effective at untangling issues for us. On the other hand, I feel like the space is good for me right now. I feel like I'm detoxing from something, and getting perspective that I need. (That's an awful analogy, as if Grotto is a toxin ?! I dunno. Love, sex, intimacy is a heady cocktail. I hear the come-down from LSI can be vicious.)
As for me and Bijou, it struck me today that we both have a significant warrior heritage. My background is mixed: 1/2 warrior, 1/2 some mix of priest and merchant/craftsmith. She strongly identifies with her warrior background (from a different ethnicity altogether, but the principles are the same, right? Fight. Win. Profit.)
Maybe we need some peace-making rituals.