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Old 05-07-2013, 09:11 AM
FullofLove1052 FullofLove1052 is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: English Rose by birth; Calling the Southern Hemi home by choice.
Posts: 915

Therapy is in order. You have underlying or hidden resentment over the fact that you felt obligated to marry your then-pregnant girlfriend and now-wife. You feel like she basically trapped you into marriage and the only choice was to marry her. Would you have even married her if she had not been pregnant? Was marrying her even in your thoughts?

I find it interesting that you likely felt morally obligated to step up but breaking your vows and being faithful fell by the wayside. What changed in your moral code to allow that to go on for however long? Would you have ever told your wife? Why did you not seek counselling if trust was already questionable?

I do not blame your wife for crying at times. Do not be surprised if she flips on you and tells you to end the relationship. You made a mistake, but what are the consequences? You get to keep both women? Hell of a consequence for hurting someone that you love. I would urge you to find a marriage counsellor and if possible, someone that is poly friendly. Did you offer to step away from your relationship to heal your marriage? The other woman should understand that. When the core relationship is rocky and on unstable ground, that is the start of many problems. Something so minor and trivial will explode into something unfathomable. Believe me.

I am not trying to discourage you from poly, but the timing not immaculate. How long have you been having the affair? Too much is happening. This is new to all of you but time to grieve is needed. Time to adjust is necessary, too. She has to get used to the idea of you sharing your life with someone else. She has to get used to sleeping alone if you stay at her place. She has to get used to you sharing important moments with her and the other person. Major changes.

Poly after an affair is not impossible. It takes more work than the norm. Every step of the way, you are going to have to be mindful of your wife. Can you do it without a therapist? I would not advise that at all. Do not think poly is the answer to all your prayers. You might be in for a rude awakening. Read some of the threads in the relationships section to get an idea of some of the issues fellow polyamourists face every day. Be realistic and remember the two other people. Take your wife's cordiality towards her new metamour with a grain of salt. That is not to say that they will not be friends, but the fact still remains that she was sleeping with her husband behind her back and is half of the reason why she is hurting, shedding tears, and fears being replaced.
Ry - Me. Panromantic demisexual with a history of polyamorist tendencies. Married to...
Matt (Hubby) - The once distant stranger that I complement beautifully. DH of 13 years and father of our four children.

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Last edited by FullofLove1052; 05-07-2013 at 09:18 AM.
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