Thread: I'm Lauren
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Old 06-19-2009, 04:06 PM
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MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
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Originally Posted by hopefuldrew View Post
Hi Lauren,

Thanks for saying hi on my post too.

I think your husband and I have some things in common. So maybe I can help you some, I would at least like to try. Just so you know, I love my wife very much (always have and will), but I did fall very much in love with a close friend. My wife, like you, is not poly, and also was not comfortable with me having anything more than a friendship with my friend. But I was in denial, I lied, I became detached, and oh boy… I really hurt all of us. I regret so much…

I am not sure from your brief hello, but I am assuming that you are not totally comfortable with him doing whatever it is he wants to do right now, but that you also feel some stress that if you don’t give a little, that your relationship is in trouble. Oh boy, be careful about saying yes to something you are less than comfortable with. Please read my note to blackdog from today (under the “new to polyamory” section of this site). There is nothing wrong with you for how you feel. NOTHING! Do not feel bad if you are insecure, scared, jealous… or whatever. You are normal. But do not encourage or allow him to blow off any of the feelings you have, as they are your real feelings about it. I highly reccommend reading some of the many books out there on the subject. One of them is “Open” by Jenny Block, and another is “Opening Up” by Tristan Taormino (don’t let the steamy stuff in the beginning throw you, this book is helpful about relationships). For me, having been through what I have been through, and feeling very lonely in it, these books have helped so much. For you, I think they will give you some insight. But also, I have been happily surprised how much they are supportive of you (one who feels happy with monogamy), as I have been suspicious of so much.

But you need to make sure you are both brutally honest about everything that you believe, feel and need. Like, are you both 100% committed to each other? And if that is the case, your relationship needs to be the priority first. You both need to feel good about what either of you do. That is a very important bottom line. And as my wife found out so horribly, don’t trust that because he loves you that he will always be able to make the right decision.

I hope this helps for a start. I would be happy to talk more. Please ask questions.

Best wishes and let's talk,

Drew
I quoted this whole comment because it is some of the best advice I have heard when relating to the introduction of polyamory into a historically monogamous relationship. My only addition is to be in acceptance if the end result is that you can't be healthy and happy within your relationship. Each of you needs to honour your own nature to flourish.

I hope you both find your way and thrive
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