Thanks NutBuster and LovingRadiance.
Your comments are really helping me not to feel so alone.
I think I made a mistake the first time around, as I was not clear with myself and my partner on how much the cheating bothered me. When it all started I made an an attempt to add a "no home-wrecking" rule to are previously agreed upon set of rules (it's pretty basic- no lying, not in our house), but R was already drunk with NRE (Love this "expression" NutBuster!) and there was not much of a conversation to be had.
I was later too focused on dealing with the opening up of the relationship- strengthening my poly identity, dealing with my issues, communicating- that I neglected to notice this was NOT poly. This forum (specifically- GalaGirl) helped me a lot with gaining clarity on the matter. So at least now I'm clear. And I won't be pushed into being a happy-go-lucky accomplice. I know I am an accomplice no less, but at the very least I'll go down fighting.
I won't "snitch" to C's wife, as I don't wanna be the cause of any unnecessary pain. I do think they have some responsibility over their own relationship, and it's not like R took the lead in creating this mess. she gave C every chance to back off. Also, not surprisingly, this is not the first time C's cheating... It sucks, but I wouldn't tell on a cheater to anyone. I'd sooner leave R to make her understand how unacceptable this is. Which I am not doing for now, because I feel like nothing is going to stop her at this point. All I can do is give her a hard time, and be patient.
I did have the sense to make R ask about the possibility of STD's before they slept together for the first time. And I appreciated the fact she did (that's not an easy question to ask
). I don't know how much the answer's really worth, being as she is a liar and I can't imagine a married woman asking her family doctor to test her while she's cheating, but whatever. Asked R not to preform certain sexual acts that are more likely to pass stuff, and am hoping she will have enough self control to respect that.
The STD's card was useful in explaining to R that despite whatever story she and C are telling themselves, I am connected to C's wife by virtue of possibly passing an infection all the way down from the person she might be cheating with (who knows) to me, and the number of liars in between, and what justifications they come up with, won't change that. As well as expressing my concern about being seen as an accomplice when it will all come out.
In the first "wave" R and I had a lot of sex, as a form of communicating all the crazy emotions going on, and because frankly R is really sexy when she's in NRE, and I needed to feel she still wanted me. This time I really don't see myself sleeping with her, as I don't feel safe or close to her while she is acting this way. Couldn't even sleep in the same room, I get mini panic-attacks and sleep in the guest room.
I hope that might hasten the cooling down of all this NRE, because to be honest it is hard for me to see how it will ever cool down when they can only get together once a week and then have an entire week to re-build the fire via texting and secret work glances and so on. It is always going to stay unattainable, and therefore sexy. I just hope missing me a little might help R get over this crazy infatuation faster