View Single Post
Old 05-07-2013, 02:36 AM
stonebreaker stonebreaker is offline
Join Date: May 2013
Location: Fort Worth, Texas, USA
Posts: 14

Originally Posted by FullofLove1052 View Post
I would also add that you might want to slow down. Your wife just found out about the affair six days ago, and though she was insistent about meeting the other woman, she is grieving. Grieving for the change in her marriage, grieving over your affair, and everything else. She probably wanted to "size up" the competition.
You are not wrong there. Today was a 180 degree about face from both women. I spent an hour on the phone reassuring U and all lunch plus a couple of hours at home reassuring my wife that no one is being pushed aside. I'm finding that every word out of my mouth is being examined for any subliminal meaning and if there is an opportunity for offense, it is being taken. I have been waiting for the other shoe to drop, but holy crap, I'm exhausted!

Yet despite the fragility of the situation, my wife referred to U as her little sister. Sincerely, not sarcastically.

Originally Posted by FullofLove1052 View Post
I am glad the meeting went well, but there is a lot to do. Your wife is hurting, and I do believe counselling is needed. While you may have high hopes of your wife and girlfriend (?) being the best of friends in say six months and eventually living together, wounds have to heal. Sometimes an apology is just not good enough. Believe me when I say that it is an adjustment to go from a mono relationship to having a poly relationship. Communication is a constant. Be prepared to deal with timing issues. There are only 24 hours in the day, and they do not stretch. They each have needs. Both relationships have needs. It becomes a balancing act. Impossible? No. Challenging? Yes.
Again, you are right on the money. My wife has emailed the therapist I talked to the other day about scheduling a session. After each of us has a few individual sessions, I expect this will turn into relationship counseling. Probably will include U at some point as well. I like my therapist. A lot.

Originally Posted by FullofLove1052 View Post
If I were you, I would look into counselling like now. Your wife might not realise it due to it being clouded by hurt, but some trust has been lost. No one likes being lied to or cheated on, and I agree with Nancy about needing to address the reasons for you stepping outside of the marriage.
No, the trust issue was a point from day one. But it is mitigated by 25 years of faithfulness. While I did slip, and that hurt must be healed, 25 years of faithfulness does count.

Originally Posted by FullofLove1052 View Post
It is not just I cheated and colour me poly now. Have you always thought you were suited to be ethically non-monogamous? If so, did you ever present the idea to your wife, or did you assume she would not go along with it?
No. This is a new thing for all of us. We are actually fairly conservative Christians, and U is a Fundamentalist Christian. At some point after the poly solution occurred to me, U made the comment that polyamory did not fit her Christian morals. I did some research, and it turns out that there is no clear stricture against polyamory in the New Testament. What is definitely there, however, is Mark 10:11-12, which states that divorce, for any reason other than infidelity, is wrong. Period. I am guilty of infidelity. So if my wife finds she cannot accept the situation, she can divorce me if she chooses. I will not divorce her. As well as the teachings in the Bible, I simply do not believe divorce is the correct solution. In this case, divorce will simply lead to more hurt and pain for everyone.

I have been giving a lot of thought to why polyamory seems like the correct solution for this situation. Let me give you guys a quick background on the situation and see what you think.

I started dating U when I was in 5th grade. We would go to choir every Wednesday. We moved away as I was entering 8th grade. We stayed in touch through letters and an occasional visit through high school. I asked her to marry me when I was 19 and she was 18. She was not ready and turned me down. She felt that she could not deal with 4 more years of a distance relationship (I could not convince her that we could attend the same college - I was going to Rice University, she didn't think she could get in). So she broke up with me.

I met my future wife when I moved to the new town in 8th grade. We did not date until we were in college though. I guess maybe she caught me on the rebound from U. Anyway, we dated for 3 years, including a couple of break-ups. I finally decided things were not going to work and broke up with her for the final time. She then informed me she was pregnant. In the ensuing years, she admitted that she saw that I was going to break up and deliberately got pregnant. Being who I was and how I was raised, neither abortion nor abandoning my girlfriend was an option. My personal ethics allowed either adoption or marrying my girlfriend. I chose to marry my girl.

Fast forward 24 years. I guess we've had a normal marriage. But event after all this time, I am still angry about having the choice of mate taken out of my hands. It shouldn't matter at this point. But it does. I'm basically satisfied with my marriage, just still angry about not getting the choice.

So I find U on facebook. She lives about 90 miles away. You already know what happened.

I must have wanted to get caught. I used the same pin on my phone as our bank account. I get caught.

In the ensuing discussions with my wife, I admit how angry I am at her forcing me to marry her. To clarify, I am not actually angry at how my life turned out. She is a good person, and my marriage has been basically happy. But for some reason I don't quite understand, it still matters that I did not get the chance to choose my mate. I guess my wife feels guilty. She offers to step out of the way and let me have U. Well, that doesn't feel right either. 24 years is a long time, and we have built a strong relationship. If she chooses to divorce me, then fine; but I do not want to divorce her.

Somewhere the option of having a relationship with both women comes up. This is the correct solution, I feel it in my gut. I do not divorce my wife, but I also have the choice of choosing my mate. The option of choosing U somehow makes all the anger and resentment of getting forced to marry my wife, go away. Completely. If both women are willing to give this a shot, then this is the correct solution. Now I just have to figure out the morality of the situation.

As of right now, everyone has calmed down, and my wife is yakking on the phone with U. I don't understand it. This afternoon she was in tears feeling that U was replacing her. Now, she has stated that no matter what happens, she will be friends with U. I don't understand women.

Originally Posted by FullofLove1052 View Post
Sending you good luck and well wishes. Consider yourself lucky. I do not know many wives who would be okay with any of this so soon after the revelation of an affair. I hope you know that you have a good thing at home, and she needs to be revered and treated as such.
There is still a lot of hurt and pain. But things sure look promising. I have the best wife in the world. I know it, and I'm bending over backwards to make sure my wife knows I know it.
Reply With Quote