So, short version of my previous posts: after 8 y of declaring our relationship is "open" but not doing much about it (apart from openly talking about our crushes for other women), my wife's crush showed interest in her and they got together.
C, This other person, is cheating on her wife to do so.
R, my wife, decided she wants this bad enough to ignore the moral aspects.
I am not happy with it, voiced my opinion on the cheating being wrong and having possible disastrous effects on both their lives (it's a work romance, C has kids), but am willing to tolerate this "relationship", as I feel I have very little choice in the matter. I'll take knowing and hating it over being lied to or left for the rush of NRE any day.
We struggled for about a month with the switch from theory to practice, discovered it is way harder than anticipated, and many issues - personal and couple level, were brought up by this (my fucked-up childhood and general mistrust of people, her problems accepting her sexual needs, our difficulties with "switching places" in recent years in our inner-couple power-balance and so on...). We did an OK job communicating about it for the most part, and if nothing else learned that everything gets better once discussed
As far as I was concerned, we were testing the waters and trying to figure out what our boundaries were and how much is helpful to know. But R was struggling with (my) pain and (her) guilt and (our) issues, and was looking for a quick-solve, and at one point freaked out she might be losing me and decided to call it quits with C.
This brought on two horrible (!) weeks. At first I tried helping R with her "breakup". But it didn't seem to get better. She kept seeing C and having talks with her at work, texting her, and using her facebook account as a communication channel via songs she posted, likes and so on.
I felt she wasn't at all committed to getting over it, or worse- she was blaming me for the relationship's end, though I never asked her to stop seeing her or stop sleeping with her. What troubled me most was I felt she was never 100% with me, and she kept hurting me by trying to pretend it was all over- losing interest while we were talking because someone texted, obsessing over her facebook and pretending it had nothing to do with wanting to see what C was up to when asked (she later admitted what I knew), and generally giving me very little positive attention. O, and when we had sex it felt like she was "coming to work", only trying to satisfy me, but having no real interest.
In short, it sucked.
So after a big fight over her pinning and longing for C when we were supposed to enjoy our time together on the weekend, and me feeling unwanted and replaceable, we totally stopped talking for 2 days. This was mostly my fault, and I am working on my tendency to "clam-up" when hurt badly, but I will say I found it very hard to talk to R the last few weeks. She would either try to avoid the subject of her still wanting C and hide it from me (mainly to spare my feelings), or resort to a childish "but I wanna!" position which was hard to communicate with. I also found it hard to tell her "if U want it so bad go get it", 1. because I was relived it (and the pain it was causing) was over for now, and 2. because I hate that she's enabling a cheater and risking her career, and I do think ending it was the right choice.
So today we finally talked again. And we both realized R was indeed not committed to the decision she made to give it up. She claims having sex with C once a week helps her get all the NRE "out of her system", and giving up on it while still wanting it badly was driving her crazy. She also admitted she did not spend enough energy on working on our relationship in this difficult time, and promised she wanted to work on it this time around, and was sure she would do better with keeping agreements (e.g no texting when we're on a date). I find it hard to trust that anything will be different, but as stated before- I have some trust issues to work on...
I was clear that I will never truly support a relationship that involves cheating, and would only tolerate it. And also voiced my need to be allowed to feel (and say) it's wrong, or have my own insecurities and issues, without being blamed that I am in some way making/asking her to stop doing what she wants so bad.
So they are going to see each other again. And I hope we handle it better this time around. Any advice or insights?