I am so sorry. I imagine this is hard for you. But... could do the job in front of you even if it isn't a fun job.
And at some point I stopped fighting, fearing it will distance us from each other if I kept pushing on the "cheating is wrong" subject.
about something you find unethical is pushing you apart?
Don't think so. HER choosing to participate
in something unethical is pushing you apart. If she wasn't doing it, there's nothing to talk about.
Could not let your soft feelings for her cloud your judgement. Could not let your soft feelings for her let her off the hook for behavior she chose to do.
Could own your part of it -- not speaking up when you discovered the dating partner was a cheater and withdrawing your goodwill and blessing for this to continue. And tell your partner that -- "I could have said this sooner when I discovered your dating partner is a cheater. I am withdrawing my goodwill and blessing for this to continue. I am requesting that you break up with this person."
Simple enough action to do. Hard to FEEL maybe, but simple action.
You can request.
Whether she chooses to meet your request or not is on her.
Not to mention the fact that whenever I address it I am being accused of taking on more responsibility than is truly mine to take, butting into other peoples' relationships (as I am not the one cheating or cheated with, I am not involved in her opinion) and/or hiding behind morals to ignore my own difficulties regarding the opening-up of our relationship
Obfuscating and blame shifting. Basically shooting the messenger.
You ARE involved. SHE is your partner. SHE is your business. Your partner does something bad, that is your business. Until you sever the partnership ties with her, she is your partner and your partner is your business.
She could rob a bank. Then that becomes your business. You are obligated to report her to the cops and answer to a higher authority. Are you answering to your higher authority in this situation?
This is your partner. What she does affects you. She is asking you to pretend that what she is doing DOESN'T affect you so she can feel at ease in her mind about continuing to do it. One side of her mouth says that. The other side of her mouth says she should end it because it causes you pain. Could call her on it. "Say YES. You are right. End it. It causes me pain. I request you break up with her."
If she balks at ending it? The clearly unethical thing? You have you answer -- your partner is wishy washy in her ethics. She does not demonstrate respect you by asking you to be an accessory to shenanigans.
I am very sorry you are going through this but someone around here needs to put a stop to it for your sake. It could be you who does it. You demonstrating self respecting behavior. Even if it means they carry on with their crazy by themselves and YOU walk away for the sake of your own long term health and well being. It stops for YOU.
So ask her if she is willing to stop participating in a cheating affair and see what choices turn up next on the table:
1) You stay together and do the work of repair and heal together. (Long term health improvement for you even if short term stinky. )
2) You break up and you do the work of healing from a breaking up on your own. (Long term health improvement for you even if short term stinky.)
3) You stay together and do NOT do the work of repair and your fears continue about future relationships because of broke trust. (No short or long term health improvement here. Just no cookies here at all. I don't suggest you pick this. )
Remember that you do not need to accept every invitation to Crazy Town that shows up. You can RSVP "no thank you."