Originally Posted by FullofLove1052
Your fiancee is 20 or so years older. She has lived a chunk of her life, probably accomplished some of her dreams, and is independent. She should be encouraging you to do that. Maybe she likes the idea of you being dependent on her. If you are not ready for marriage, you are just not ready. Be firm when you tell her no, you do not want to push up the date. Kudos to you for having goals and wanting to further your education.
I got married at 21, but I stilled lived the university life as much as my time and course load would allow. I never did anything that disrespected my husband or then-girlfriend, and I did cherish the life we had. No, I was not out until 4 in the morning and taking body shots from in between somebody's breasts, but my entire university experience was great. They were both slightly older than me, so they were in different chapters of their lives, but they understood that I wanted to experience those things, so they encouraged it.
I do think your fiancee is being a bit unfair. I guarantee if you ask her some of the things she did in her 20s, they will mirror some of the things you want to do and should be able to do as long as you are not disrespecting her, yourself, or doing something you would not want her to see/know about.. There is no rule that says you have to jam pack marriage, owning a home, having children, etc. or whatever in the first five years of adulthood.
I think your and your fiancee would do well to have a long engagement and adapt to the changes and additions in your lives before getting married.
I say go to school, live off-campus, if it is more cost effective, and grow into the person you want to ultimately be. Make some new friends, experience the life, join a fraternity, or whatever it is that you desire. Her support would be nice, but it is not mandatory. You can revel in her success and be just as happy for her whether you are sitting right next to her or away from her. Genuine happiness for someone's accomplishments does not mean you have to be right there or that you value what they have accomplished any less.
She got stranded in Florida with her friends and begged for money for a train to get back to New York when she was 19. *rolls my eyes* She's done some fun stuff.
Her concern is that if I go to school off-campus, I'll be spending far more time with my new partner. Which is a valid concern, and I've told her that nothing in another relationship is going to falter my feelings for her, and I do mean it. My new partner however, wants to leave the state for college in three years, that's the issue, after we get our associates degrees, where do we go? Do I stay with my fiance? Do I take off for a 4 year school? Should I just break things off with my fiance at the end of this year and be monogamous with my new partner, so that my growth isn't restricted, and potentially revisit this relationship at a later date in time?
Originally Posted by BoringGuy
Holy shit bubba, are you SURE you're only 20? You sound like the most wise 20year-old i ever heard. I would get myself checked to make sure i'm not the next Dalai-Lama or something, if i were you.
Now, i'm not saying there is ANYTHING wrong with a 20-year-old person and a 40-year-old person getting married; but there IS something wrong with a 40-year-old person who expects a 20-year-old to NOT GET AN EDUCATION just so they can be a dependent spouse. That is not what a loving relationship is about. A loving relationship is one where both partners want what is best for each other in the long run, even if it means being physically separated for some time in order to accomplish certain things to that effect. Your fiancee is asking you to forfeit your own personal enrichment in order to satisfy her short-term "needs".
She wants me to get an education, but she doesn't want me to go anywhere, she still wants to be able to see me roughly 3-4 times a week, even if I move in with the new girl. And I'm scared that I'll have to lose one or the other and make a decision.
Originally Posted by GalaGirl
This is YOUR life experience, and you get to be the captain of your own ship. You WANT to experience the 20 year old college life, it is not unreasonable to want for your age and stage of life.
She can share in some of your life with you, but honestly? If things are going well with your relationship, you taking off for school is no different than if one of you were military and deployed. Or in some other line of work where travel elsewhere is required. People can and do adjust to the schedules of the significant other.
Why does she want to hold you back from education? Because it might make you able to support yourself even better and not need her financial support? Worried you will find someone else? What's her rationale here?
She made this comparison a few nights ago when the subject got brought up, she told me she refuses to be a military wife and that she won't put up with it, and that if I plan on doing so, I should leave right now, and go get some low rent apartment and find a job quickly. Not cool.You can see why I'm pushing so hard to get out from under her dependency so quickly.