Originally Posted by franchescasc
So, as I feared, keeping it a secret isn't working. MD isn't happy. She says she can't be happy not being able to be open in public or telling her friends. So I am walking away. This hurts like hell. I've never had my heart broken. I've opened myself up and been vulnerable in ways that I never would've allowed myself to be. In my mind I know this is a gift, but my heart feels like it's ripping in two. It is so unfair that we both love each other and want this....but we can't have it. She is not willing to be out....but that's what she needs to be happy. I am not enough. I can't offer her what she wants. This fucking sucks.
I am terribly sorry you are hurting. I wish I knew what to say. It hurts now, but I do believe that it will get better in time. Do not beat yourself up. You ARE enough.
Speaking from experience, being out is not the easiest feat. It is not widely accepted, and the risks are exceedingly high for some. If it is known that jobs, livelihoods, and familial bonds will be destroyed, what is the benefit of coming out right now? Yes, it is nice to show PDA and to introduce a loved one to friends and family. Yes, you would get to be true to yourself, but your children would lose grandparents, business would suffer, MD's ex mother-in-law might use your relationship against you to attain custody, and your professional reputation would be on the line. The negatives outweigh the positives by a landslide.
There are six children involved and a business, so relocating would be a challenge. That is probably out of the question right now, so the choice is to come out and risk everything above or stay in the closet and get to keep the woman you love in your lives.
I have been polyamorous for over half of my life, and do you know that if I had it to do again I would NOT come out?
Are all three people in your triad aware of the other's feelings regarding being out or staying in? Have the three of you sat down and discussed this in detail to at least get the feelings out and in the open?