Originally Posted by Librarian
I'm still convinced he is going to try and back peddle and see if he can't figure out a way to make it work for him. He seems fickle and indecisive like that.
As I understand from the other thread, she only recently told him how she feels. They had their first date/lunch/coffee on May 1--5 days ago. They flirted via text before that for two weeks, but at work, he gave her the cold shoulder. Do I have this right?
And for these things, he is called fickle and indecisive, and a coward, in your other thread.
I find relationships go better, whether they end up as a romance or a friendship, if we strive for understanding. Didn't you yourself spend a few years telling her you wanted this, and then get very uncomfortable when it happened? Might that not be seen as fickle?
Is it possible he didn't think he was being 'cold' at work, but rather, 'professional?' Bringing flirting and sexual innuendo into a work situation could result in some pretty big problems. And in general, it isn't appropriate.
Has he ever been in a poly relationship before? Based on what you do and what you don't, say, my guess is he hasn't been, and in that situation, I think it's normal for him to have an internal struggle: to be attracted to someone and want to pursue a relationship, yet realize there are some inherent problems with this situation, to think carefully about the wisdom of getting involved with a married woman, to not want an unconventional situation--and yet she's offering what he wants.
I think it's unfair, and too much to ask, for poly people, or a couple just starting but who have considered this for years, have done their own research and given it plenty of thought, people who are clear in what they want and how they expect things to unfold, people who, I might add, already have the lifetime partner and the spouse to go home to that most people want out of a romance--to invite a new person into this, a person who has never even thought about poly, a person who has absolutely zero basis or knowledge to work with--and expect that person to be right there, fully in, in the space of 2 weeks, no back and forth, no changing the mind, no being drawn to her and then thinking, Wait, this is a married woman, there are some problems here,
and pulling back again.
Just curious, would you have called him close-minded or 'not open' if he'd just rejected it out of hand from the start? I don't mean this as an accusation, but as a genuine question, because one of the things my BF said to me on the first date was that he came out to me because he thinks I'm 'intelligent enough to handle it.' I still take objection to that statement--as if an intelligent
person would naturally accept this and perhaps to say no thank you would make you stupid and incapable of 'handling it?' I have seen poly people around the web call others narrow or close minded for being clear upfront that they have no interest in poly--maybe not here, and not often, but it is
a response that some people have.
Sort of damned if you do, damned if you don't. You're close-minded if you don't try it, you're fickle if you dip a toe in and have some back and forth as you see it up close and try to sort through things that we already spent years sorting through.
Again--I am not saying you
feel this way. I have no idea if you do or not. But just an idea of the position he's in, and the idea that her relationship with him will go better, and have more possibility of returning to what she really wants with him, if he's cut some slack, given the same understanding we'd all like from others, and not called cowardly, fickle, and indecisive.