Originally Posted by stonebreaker
We are trying to get her to understand that while she and my wife may not have sex, they do need to develop emotional intimacy with each other.
For some V arrangements, the best some metamours achieve is a respectful relationship. I wouldn't force friendship on either of them - they may be biting at it right now, because it helps alleviate the guilt, and because it may help them feel like it'll help them stay in this relationship with you if they go along with everything that's suggested (especially in U's case - she may just be so gobsmacked that she's "allowed" to still be in this relationship that she'll go along with anything).
Once the crazy emotions die down, they'll see if they can REALLY be friends. If they aren't able to, it isn't something you can force. A respectful relationship might be the best you can ask for - that they can talk to each other when needed (schedule conflicts, emergencies, etc.), and that they respect each others' needs enough to not trample each other - that they'll work together and with you to get everyone's needs met.
I say this from the perspective of having a metamour that REALLY REALLY wants to be close ("sister-like") with me, and I'm not feeling it. It sucks to hurt her feelings when she wants a closer relationship with me than I want with her, but you can't force those types of relationships. I can't, anyway, and I'm thankful that my partner isn't pressuring me to do so.
Good luck to all of you!
Edited to add that I had the same confusion U did at one point - when my partner insisted that his OSO "loves me" and wants to have a "close relationship," I instantly equated that to, "Oh no, she's in love with me." We since cleared that up, but boy did that lead to some interesting discussions.