Marking territory by putting my toothbrush out of the holder and in the cabinet.
Could be her home habits are different than yours.
Could just tell her to leave your toothbrush where you like it. Then tell her what she is welcome to do at your home:
- Maybe she is welcome to put her own in the cabinet?
- Maybe something else? You agree that at your house you do your style to honor your ways and when at her home you go her style to honor her ways?
Sort it out.
Trying to turn 3 way communication into two way conversations ummm
Could just say "I'd like to participate in this conversation, please. Could I be included?" when you feel like you are not being included in the things that concern you and are reasonable for you to share in.
Making statements that she wishes she could have him all to herself.
Could acknowledge the feeling behind the words and not get hung up on the words themselves -- "Yes. It IS hard to learn to be in a 3 people thing and find balance." and then let it GO.
Enough to pluck my nerves and make me seem like I'm being irrational.
Is it her doing things? Or you filtering things
through a nervous/anxious/or judging filter? Like you assume "ill will" somewhere like on the look out something will go wrong? Rather than assume "good will" and look out for things that will go well? Are you worried she's a cowgirl? I am confused.
Look, the "new normal" will feel weird until it becomes
"just the normal."
Could not sweat this so much. Take the the time to get to know each other's style. Don't be in a hurry to sleepover/have sex.
If you think she is agreeing to everything and holding back? Not communicating about what her actual problem is?
ASK HER. Could say something like..
"I am wondering if there's a problem with ______. I wonder if you agree to everything and are holding back. Are you?
I would like for you to be able to just communicate freely. If it is too hard to speak in words like in face time, I'm also open to hearing what you have to say by phone, email or a hardcopy you write or just print and put on my desk.
How would you like for me to communicate with YOU best?"
To me this all sounds like it could be normal get to know each other stuff -- that includes boundaries.