Thread: Matt's Thoughts
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Old 05-04-2013, 07:26 PM
Matt Matt is offline
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 89

Originally Posted by GalaGirl View Post
Well, how long has it been now? Two months ish? You had the "time out" to cool off. When you came back you wanted no part of Si yourself. But were prepared to stay in a polyship where your wife was seeing Si still. You were surprised when wife broke up with Si.
Two long months. The above is correct. She could've kept her relationship. At that point, I don't think I even cared. That's why divorce came all too easy. Did and I do I still love my wife? Yeah. I'm still in love with her, too. I don't have any regrets like wishing I had never married her or anything. Did I care about her relationship after I came back? Nope. It wasn't my problem, so I was indifferent. The damage had been done.

Yeah, divorce is on hold for now. I made it clear that at if any point I can't do this, I'm done. Like I told her, I'm trying every option from A-Y. Z or divorce is the last resort.

Is wife meeting all your needs/agreements for you to stay in the marriage and NOT continue on the divorce plan? Are you meeting all your agreements and meeting her needs for her to stay in the marriage and for her NOT continue on the divorce plan? Is being in the marriage something you both still want and are you becoming more compatible so the marriage can be healthy?
She's meeting the relationship needs, for the most part. I wouldn't say 100%, but she's trying. I don't expect perfection. I know I'm not either. There's room for improvement on both sides. It's a work in progress. Some days are better than others. For example, the past couple of days have been better than the past couple of weeks. It's healthier than before.

You still feel like wife does not listen? Do not trust the wife since she doesn't disclose fully ? Harbor resentments towards wife?
I know she doesn't listen. I don't trust her because I know she leaves parts out that could have a negative impact. I don't have any particular set of resentments with her at this particular moment. Frustration fits. I'm not really mad or upset about anything.

Are you still willing to stay in it and do what it takes to be in it and repair it? Or are you done trying? Too little a return for continued investment? Where's your temperature at on the marriage front?
Yeah, I'm willing to try and stay. I'm not done trying. I might wake up tomorrow, and it might be another story. Today, I'm in. The return and the temperature are inconsistent and unstable. Some days the return is high and worth every pence invested. Other days, not so much. Some days I'm really warm towards the marriage and feel like it's without a doubt worth continuing the investment. Other days I analyse it like a financial portfolio, and it may not be worth it. Risk and analysis bid. Sometimes the risks of staying or leaving are higher than other days. The risks of leaving today are low. I expected highs and lows when we started the repair process.

Do you still feel undermined as a coparent with wife and not valued by wife as a coparent? What are the "two different things" that you both want in terms of custody of the children?
The only time I do is when she goes against something I request like keeping that ex of hers away from my kids. Other than that, no. Custody wouldn't be split evenly or anything close. If my wife were to have her way, she'd have physical and sole custody. I'd have every other weekend and every other holiday. Maybe summers or a portion if I'm lucky. I don't do part-time parenting, and the Mrs. knows I'd never go along with that. With plans like that, there's no way it would be a cut and dry agreement. If necessary, I would fight her for custody. That's not the most comforting thought, but I couldn't go along with allowing her use the kids as a pawn in her game of revenge for me leaving her. That's what would happen.

My idea was more along the lines of our kids visiting me every 1st, 3rd, and 5th weekend. Alternating weekends and more of an extended agreement than her having them Monday-Friday and me only seeing them from Friday afternoon to Sunday evening, alternating holidays, breaks, etc. I just feel like kids shouldn't have to suffer and spend very little time with a parent. It should be balanced as possible. My idea also included an overnight visit every week. During, I'll say the first week of the month, she would have them all day Sunday-Tuesday, most of Wednesday, and I'd pick them up on Wednesday evening and bring them back on Thursday. She would have them the remainder of Thursday, and I'd have them from Friday evening to Monday morning. That would be the start of a new week. She would have them the remainder of Monday and all of Tuesday. From Wednesday to Thursday, they'd be with me. She'd have them the entire weekend on that week, all of Monday, all of Tuesday, and I'd see them for the overnight visit Wednesday-Thursday. She'd have them the remainder of Thursday, and the first half of Friday. I'd pick them up on Friday, and return them on Monday. I hope it makes sense. It makes more sense on paper, and it's pretty simple to follow. Is this being unreasonable or unfair? What would you change?

Could you feel happier than you are now with your relationship with your wife? If her roles in your life were reduced to "co-custodial coparent" only? No longer wife to you? No longer roomie to you? No longer polyship partner to you?
Probably not. She'd likely be the ex-wife and custodial parent from hell. Divorce makes people lose it. Even more so if you're hurt or upset after. I suggested divorce, and it set her off. Imagine if I were to actually divorce her. The divorce may be a clean break, but I'd have more hell then than now. When I weigh the two, it isn't so bad where I'm at right now.

How do you think you will feel about the time the children have with their mother, and their interacting with Si on ex-wife's custodial time?
I still wouldn't be OK with it, so I'd be just as upset. If not more so. She'd probably have more say than me, and she'd still be around my kids, which is just a no for me.

What are you feelings about that? Have you sat with those thoughts already?
I have sat with all of these thoughts. We've discussed it all, which is why I know how she thinks. I'm trying to work with my wife. Sure she gets on my nerves. Sure there are days where I don't even want to be around her. It's still worth trying to save, so I'm going to put forth the effort and try to save it.

You really can't sever the bond with wife of having created the children together. Even if you divorce and all that. Until one of you dies -- you, wife, or kids -- that bond is still there and you are still part of the kids lives. For the kid's sake as they grow, figuring out how to be civil to wife is better. Even if you still carry some resentments/distrust -- no need to color the children's graduations, weddings, births of THEIR kids etc with GRRR of the parent's clouding their every step for life.
You're right. I prefer civility over hostility with her.

But maybe you want YOUR daily life to be less nutty than it has been?
Its been constant chaos and misery almost every day. Don't get me wrong. There have been a couple of bright spots, but the ominous presence of darkness has been present more often than not.

FWIW, my thoughts on this still are pretty much the same. That no matter how you slice it, there's going to be suckage somewhere. It's figuring out the path of least suckage then. I still think sorting that out is better with a cool head than a hot one. So... Where do you think that lies for you? The least sucky path?
For the time being, staying in the marriage provides the path of less suckage. The catch is her ex has to stay away from my kids, or it goes back to Suckville, UK. This past week would've been OK--minus my Mrs. feeling down about the state of our progress. Her ex was nowhere to be seen and wasn't around the kids. It's something about her ex that doesn't sit right with me. This was a happier week for me. I felt what my wife was feeling, so I talked to her and gauged her feelings. We've decided to seek another therapist and take a break until then. Just talking brought us a little closer. I'm still opting to stand-off and not divulge certain feelings, but it helped to talk. I understand her feelings and thoughts.

But 2 mos in is 2 mos in. I don't know what time frame you both set or even what bench marks you both set to measure as "enough progress is being made to make this still worthwhile to me" -- I guess I thought the counselor would help you guys lay that framework out so you chose realistic things for goals. One cannot rush healing. At the same time, one cannot put life on hold forever to deal in Crazy Town indefinitely.
We had framework laid out. Something in our household changes every day. We'll take a couple of positive steps forward and ten back. It's a constant pull between regression and progression. I'm tired of the madness in my home life. The only time I get a break is when I'm sleep. I'm not against a trial separation. I had the most peace I've had in many years when I was gone.

I'd like to find my way back to her, but I can't help but wonder if we've reached the peak together and just need to climb back down separately. I don't trust her, and it's hard to have a relationship with no trust. It can be earned back, but that can take years. Though our marriage has issues, the biggest issue of all is that ex of hers and our ideas of parenting and who should be involved. She wants her to be involved. I don't. That's the one thing we argue over. She's fighting that hard for Snowflake to be involved in raising our kids, but I wonder if she's willing to fight that hard to help save our marriage and earn my trust back.

Last edited by Matt; 05-04-2013 at 09:36 PM.
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