Originally Posted by Cloudy
Now. Since my OP apparently left some confusion as to what exactly I'm looking for and why, allow me to clarify:
Maybe I'm wearing rose colored glasses, but I envision an emotional, romantic, and sexual relationship between myself, my current GF, and another woman. However, unlike BoringGuy's description, I don't view it as another girl joining my current relationship, but rather the formation of a completely new relationship. Sure, my current GF and I would most likely be more familiar with one another, but I would still want all three of us to be equal, rather than a twosome with an appendage.
As for why...... Looking back at previous relationships, and looking at myself now, there has always been something.... missing? ....not quite right? It wasn't until my GF and I had our best threesome that I realized this. I say the "best" not because of the sex, but rather because of how the three of us interacted. We cuddled, we talked, we laughed, we kissed... It seemed equal. And it felt AMAZING. It felt complete. And I had never felt anything like it.
From a practical view, it just makes sense to me, though this seems to be where the "share" thing came from. I am heterosexual; my GF is bisexual. We are BOTH attracted to girls. (fecking duh, I know) So when we are with another girl, we aren't sharing HER, we are sharing the EXPERIENCE of being with her. We are doing something together that we have a common interest in. In some ways, it's like two people playing golf together, or singing together, or underwater basket weaving together, or whatever else they have in common. I realize that's an overly simplistic view, considering we're talking about a person, but I hope that gets the idea across. And I think it is this shared experience that always makes my GF and I feel so good about our relationship after a threesome.
And so as for her being with other guys, that's not something we can share. I'm just not attracted to men.
Now, all that said, I also agree that I have some jealousy and insecurity that needs to also be addressed, but I hope all that paints a more succinct picture of what I'm thinking.
Hey Cloudy, I'd like to suggest that, yeah, rose colored glasses are in effect here. Triads (three people all in romantic relationships with each other) are not impossible, but much more often what you end up with is a vee (one person in a romantic relationship with two different people) when the third person forms a stronger/different bond with one of their new partners than the other. No problem though, vees are fine and great! Errrr, unless, of course, you had your heart set on a triad, in which case the partner who's "left out" tends to take it really hard.
Alternately, a triad does begin to form, but then one of the members of the preexisting couple gets way more jealous than they thought they would once the desired state of equality begins to manifest (usually a lot of this has to do with spending way too much time together way too quickly), and the newer person just ends up getting emotionally tugged around until they can't deal any more and they leave.
BoringGuy is abrasive, but you're spot on about his reason for responding that way -- we've ALL seen way too many sad and messed up stories that start the way yours is. Good on you for taking the time read, talk, learn, and think things through before proceeding further.
My advice (based on a long poly dating history and a ton of reading peoples' stories on this site) would be to:
- Keep an open, flexible approach to whatever new relationship(s) form, don't work with a lot of preconceived notions and ideals and assumptions about what structure is best, and talk things through in a candid, relaxed way with any new person who starts to take an emotional interest in either one of you. If you try to shoehorn any new thing into a particular shape, chances are much better that you'll ruin what you could have had, rather than get what you wanted.
- Accept that this hypothetical new person may have other interests/desires, or other partners of her own, and that that's not necessarily incompatible with forming a serious relationship with one or both of you (it's a common, and imho seriously hypocritical and problematic, thing for folks in couples to want a new partner to only be with them).
- Understand that triads, if you do happen to find yourself in one, are not, in fact, a single new relationship. They are a set of relationships, and it's just good to keep in mind all of the complexity that entails versus your current state of just needing to maintain one healthy relationship, which I imagine feels complex enough most days: