Wow! I must say I didn't expect such a response to my humble little post. Thank you so much to everyone who took the time to read and respond!
Now for some responses: (gotta figure out how to quote posts....)
I agree that emotional reactions don't equal jerk, but the root thoughts and mindset behind those reactions can. I guess that's more what I'm worried about. Also, excellent questions; ones I've posed to myself many times, but haven't yet been able to answer.
Oh, lesbian sex is definitely sex. I just ENJOY when my girlfriend has sex with other girls. As for her being lured away, that's very much a possibility. She's absolutely gorgeous, basically the proverbial unicorn. And while I'm not ugly by any means, I see myself as pretty average. So yeah, I think there's a worry that she might realize she could do better, as unrational as that may be.
Excellent question. This has happened a couple of times, but with me present and without. To answer.... sort of. I try my best to support her bisexuality, but those times where I'm not included I feel.... left out. Sure, I want to play with the other girl too, but also I want to share that experience WITH my GF.
1. Thanks! I agree. It's something I usually do well.
2. Good point. Maybe that's what I'm doing...?
3. Another good point. But I haven't figured out yet where said jealousy is coming from.... More to think on...
Fantastic response! Thank you for the links. I've already done a lot of reading, and I'm always looking for more. I am, after all, a ttl n00b.
You also brought up the point about my GF having female lovers without me is a problem. I responded about that above^^^ The other possibilities you mentioned ring true to some extent as well.
As for preferences, I again agree. My GF and I have a strict rule that we do NOT tell one another what the other can and cannot do. Rather, we make our positions clear and let the other decide. Usually, we abide by the other's wishes. But in a way, this is the problem here. I've voiced my preference: let's date other girls and that's all. She then voiced her preference: let's date other girls AND I date other guys. So what do we do when those preferences don't align just right?
As for your suggestion, that's exactly where we are right now. Everything is on hold until we both figure out exactly where we stand and why.
Yet another great question..... It depends. In a couple cases, the "women in question" felt exactly as they did before we had sex. We're still good friends that just happened to hook up one time. It's no big deal, and it's great.
In another case..... well, I'm not quire sure how she felt because she doesn't talk to us anymore. She and my GF hit it off famously at first. My GF thought things were proceeding in more of a romantic direction. The other girl apparently didn't agree. She ran away screaming, basically. Without the screaming part.
In another case, the other girl told us afterward that she regretted it because she doesn't like to sleep around, even though the threesome was her idea.
So, I guess to answer your question: it varies. All my GF and I can do is be clear about what are intentions are and are not. If the other girl secretly doesn't agree or whatever, there's not much we can do about it.
I appreciate your perspective! Thanks! It's strangely good to know I'm not the only one with issues about this. However, you kinda make it sound like I have a choice: either acquiesce, or lose my GF. I'm really not convinced that's the case. She and I have been monogamous (at least romantically) for over two years. We could very well simply remain that way.
Ha! There's a term for it! I find that amusing. But seriously...
Wow, I admire your guts and candor regarding what you told your then fiance. I don't think I could have a similar talk with my GF. More likely would be a talk to just remain monogamous. But again, I'm glad other share my experience.
And yeah, my GF and I are still having discussions about (giggle) a one-penis-policy. Meanwhile, I'm working on getting to the root of my issues.
At last a response I completely disagree with, though perhaps that's because I was unclear in my original post.
TO women? Women aren't sexually potent? Women can only get pleasure from a man? They're easily discarded and replaced?
I'm sorry, but these points so completely fail to ring with me that I'll not even bother responding. I don't mean to be dismissive, it's just simply not the case with me.
Mostly answered in my response to turtleHeart. However, first, thank you for your honesty about me quite possibly being selfish. I did ask for no sugar coating, after all.
But to answer your question, I would.... maybe.... be ok with that. But only begrudgingly so. My preference is that I would also be involved in the relationship, preferably equally. If you want to call that "get[ting] your kicks", so be it, though I certainly wouldn't describe it as such.
Bingo was his name-o. I very much agree. In my opinion, there is no such thing as right and wrong. There is only Hurtful or Not Hurtful. I wasn't meaning to ask about if my actions were "right", but rather if they were well founded and reasonable. Though I suppose it could come across as asking for right or wrong.
As for your hypothetical situations, yup, that's right where we are now: trying to figure out those maybes.
And at long last.... @BoringGuy
Sigh.... I could do without the sarcasm, though based on your rather large number of posts (over 1,000), I'm guessing it's based on frequently hearing n00b idiots like me stumble their way through trying to convey their views on this new and, if you're like me, radical topic. I would more appreciate, instead, that you educate me and point me in a better direction, instead of insulting me.
And that's just the point--I'm completely new to this. So new, in fact, that I technically haven't even started yet, at least as far as an actual poly relationship goes. So forgive me if I don't use the proper terminology, or if I step on a few poly verbal taboos. And if nothing else, at the very least, I'm reading, seeking advice, and analyzing and educating myself BEFORE I take this leap. Maybe you're right. Maybe I have a warped view of polyamory, and I have it all wrong. Guess what? That's why, in my OP, I asked, "Am I just not cut out for polyamory?" I know no one here can answer that for me. But being here is part of a process to discover the answer to that question and others.
Though you are right that it's impossible to tell if I'm a jerk or not just from one post. Who knows? Maybe I hate kittens. And who doesn't love kittens?
Now. Since my OP apparently left some confusion as to what exactly I'm looking for and why, allow me to clarify:
Maybe I'm wearing rose colored glasses, but I envision an emotional, romantic, and sexual relationship between myself, my current GF, and another woman. However, unlike BoringGuy's description, I don't view it as another girl joining my current relationship, but rather the formation of a completely new relationship. Sure, my current GF and I would most likely be more familiar with one another, but I would still want all three of us to be equal, rather than a twosome with an appendage.
As for why...... Looking back at previous relationships, and looking at myself now, there has always been something.... missing? ....not quite right? It wasn't until my GF and I had our best threesome that I realized this. I say the "best" not because of the sex, but rather because of how the three of us interacted. We cuddled, we talked, we laughed, we kissed... It seemed equal. And it felt AMAZING. It felt complete. And I had never felt anything like it.
From a practical view, it just makes sense to me, though this seems to be where the "share" thing came from. I am heterosexual; my GF is bisexual. We are BOTH attracted to girls. (fecking duh, I know) So when we are with another girl, we aren't sharing HER, we are sharing the EXPERIENCE of being with her. We are doing something together that we have a common interest in. In some ways, it's like two people playing golf together, or singing together, or underwater basket weaving together, or whatever else they have in common. I realize that's an overly simplistic view, considering we're talking about a person, but I hope that gets the idea across. And I think it is this shared experience that always makes my GF and I feel so good about our relationship after a threesome.
And so as for her being with other guys, that's not something we can share. I'm just not attracted to men.
Now, all that said, I also agree that I have some jealousy and insecurity that needs to also be addressed, but I hope all that paints a more succinct picture of what I'm thinking.