I am not supposed to be telling you where I am but I'll say I am being legally held and prevented from going to work for the 7th day now. I can't leave and my existence has not been acknowledged for 2 going on 3 days and now I am fairly certain they've forgotten I exist as I haven't been given breaks for lunch or been told when to go home for the day. My boss gets highly paranoid when I am gone for any reason. He starts imagining I will get hit by a car or something and then asks me to write down directions to everything I ever do. I'm talking manuals for every website and program I use which already exist. We're a two person operation. I just don't have the time or sanity to do that. I have also never been given any training so as far as I'm concerned if I am tragically killed, he can hire someone to figure it out the same way I did. For some reason he loses all confidence in his ability to do anything on his own even though he is quite capable.
I have absolutely no control over what happens or when this ends. I cannot afford to miss another week of pay this close to all of our taxes having just been paid. On top of that they've left the tv on constant forest fire coverage. I can't imagine anything they could put on that I would personally find more distressing while being detained. I have reached my breaking point with this.
I am supposed to be taking next friday and the following monday off for our May trip. I made a reservation for that trip 6 months ago but my boss won't remember that so its going to be news to him even IF I get to go back to work next week. What if it isn't over by then? Nevermind that we aren't actually going to the place I made a reservation for 6 months ago because "the band" is playing a show that weekend which is close to where one of our friends lives. I almost can't believe their schedule has changed the only time I managed to plan anything that far in advance.
This particular place is extremely hard to get a reservation for and it's special enough that its one of the only times Jasper asked me not to go there with Herman before he could go. Making other plans was delayed. First we had to wait to see what day of the weekend the show was. Then I was hoping to get a new reservation for September but I missed the date they became available. There was discussion of trying to make this show and see our friend and keep the reservation but it's just too much for one long weekend.
Now I have to figure out a new place to go for the weekend after the show on friday. I need to talk to our friend about visiting. I have to talk my boss off a cliff about me leaving and its my turn to ask the band about getting on the guestlist. They have insisted we ask when we want to go to shows. They are extremely nice about it and have no problem saying no if it isn't possible. But it is still nerve wracking to do and I haven't had any contact with them though Jasper has been more in the loop recently. I'd almost rather buy tickets to avoid it but thanks to the lack of paycheck.... Oh yeah I'm also going to need to do all the packing, supply shopping, rent a bigger car, blah blah.
So like I said I've already passed my mental threshold for the current situation, then last night Jasper mentions its only a week until we meet up again and I made some exasperated sound like oof because I have no idea how this is all going to get worked out in a week. He says No not oof. I'm thinking yeah oof. I start feeling anxious and then get super upset because I can't talk to him about everything I'm stressed about. He asks why I can't talk about it and I say I don't feel like anyone will be sympathetic towards me and discussions about our visits are historically too emotionally charged and I can't deal with where I know this conversation is going to go on this particular night. He keeps pushing and so I tried to talk.
I say no plans are set. He insists he made his thoughts on the plans known (so his part was done right? don't blame me) yeah ok well the place he preferred has no availability, no one has talked to our friend about seeing her and we still have no tickets to the show... so nothing is done. Yes I am aware these are my responsibilities and eventually I'll have to get it done.
I discuss my work situation. He says your boss knows you're leaving right? I say I told him but as per usual he won't remember until I mention it again and I haven't seen him the last week. He says well that isn't your fault. Yeah I know but that doesn't make him any less paranoid. He continues to argue this weeks absense was not my decision. Ahh yes but next weekend is. To which he immediately jumps to "ARE YOU SAYING I SHOULD CANCEL THIS TRIP? THATS WHAT IT SOUNDS LIKE" Yep thats where I expected this conversation to go. I want to cancel, I don't want to see him, I'm always trying to sabotage going to shows at the last minute because I'm jealous, or who knows what else. I'm just in no place to deal with that. I just needed to be able to talk out my worries and I was actually feeling even worse that I felt like I couldn't talk to him about it because I knew he would take it personally and jump to canceling as if thats really the solution I'm looking for.
I've said it before and I mean it, I don't want to sound like I'm blaming them for these things being my responsibility. Therefore I feel bad talking about it at all. In addition they just don't understand all the stress it causes me. Yes I acknowledge we all put in a lot of effort to take trips like this. All I really wanted was to have it acknowledged that I was stressing because of it instead of this like bewildered reaction of Why? what could you possibly be concerned with? It's not like we've gone through this all a million times before but I don't understand what you're feeling at all. Then when I try to explain, WHAT???? This is all news to me, obviously you must want me to cancel!
So I sat up half the night wondering why he couldn't just be nice to me. I hear myself, boohoo I couldn't work this week, at least I'm healthy and have a job. boohoo I have to put in some work to visit beautiful places with two men who love me. boohoo I have to contact my favorite band about getting in to their shows for free because they have been nice enough to tell me to do so. I don't expect most people to be sympathetic but he should be. If he didn't realize it was stressful he wouldn't have asked me to do it this time! We are both prone to the occasional freakout whether its rational or not and damn it I think I've managed to respond to his calmly and not make it all about me.
I began to wonder if maybe the reason why I never receive the treatment I am hoping for is that I haven't ever made it clear how I want to be treated. Maybe I'm not responding with the treatment he'd like either. I don't know if thats true or not but I guess it's worth a shot.