Originally Posted by GalaGirl
Sounds like you showing up did your spouse
some good. And because of you doing that, it did your marriage in turn some good. Even you just being there and showing up to be counted. PRESENT for roll call even if you mind struggles to stay present where it finds things yucky. You do not enjoy being vulnerable and dealing in "feeelings" and yet you are still there doing it for you, him, and marriage.
Look at where it seemed to lead to next?
And what you write most recently:
You remind me of the quote in "Good Omens" by Terry Pratchett.
"It might, or might not, have helped Anathema get a clear view of things if she'd been allowed to spot the very obvious reason why she couldn't see Adam's aura. It was for the same reason that people in Trafalgar Square can't see England."
Your marriage (and its needs) is bigger
than you (and your needs.) You are in the marriage. But the marriage is bigger than you.
Can't always be looking at if from "tree level" tree by tree. Gotta move up to the balcony view sometimes and learn see if from the "forest" angle.
Maybe thinking about that perspective could help you when you are feeling ugh or down?
I am glad it did him some good. It did me no good. It might have done wonders for my marriage, but if I am just showing up and not even mentally there, it makes me wonder how much good is actually being done?
My mind did not just struggle. It was not there at no point. For two hours, I checked out. I was thinking about what needed to be done at work, how much I did not want to be there, and just how irritated the whole thing was making me. When questions were asked, I barely answered. I nodded to show that I heard what was being said, but I did not actually listen to what was being said. When I am that distracted, I am no good to anyone around me. It is like repeatedly saying, "Huh" or "What," when someone asks a question multiple times.
My marriage is bigger than me and my needs, and yesterday, its needs faded into obscurity and blackness. I cannot say today is much better. I needed not to be there yesterday, but I showed up to be accounted for. I think I would have done better playing with my phone, filing my nails, or just leaving after attendance had been taken. That is about how useful I felt. Seriously, it was bad.
The quote is very true. It might help to think about things from that perspective. Thank you for that.