Yes, I present and accounted for physically. Mentally, I was elsewhere. I could have stayed where I was. I felt like I wasted everybody's time. We should have cancelled.
Sounds like you showing up did your spouse
some good. And because of you doing that, it did your marriage in turn some good. Even you just being there and showing up to be counted. PRESENT for roll call even if you mind struggles to stay present where it finds things yucky. You do not enjoy being vulnerable and dealing in "feeelings" and yet you are still there doing it for you, him, and marriage.
Look at where it seemed to lead to next?
And what you write most recently:
All in all, I am feeling much better after talking to Matt and glad we have some type of plans in place.
You remind me of the quote in "Good Omens" by Terry Pratchett.
"It might, or might not, have helped Anathema get a clear view of things if she'd been allowed to spot the very obvious reason why she couldn't see Adam's aura. It was for the same reason that people in Trafalgar Square can't see England."
Your marriage (and its needs) is bigger
than you (and your needs.) You are in the marriage. But the marriage is bigger than you.
Can't always be looking at if from "tree level" tree by tree. Gotta move up to the balcony view sometimes and learn see if from the "forest" angle.
Maybe thinking about that perspective could help you when you are feeling ugh or down?