more on the subject
thank you both for your answers!
Yes, I do have some control issues. And I'm trying to work on that.
I guess when I said she was "acting straight and mono" I meant to address the fact that it is weird she is the one that, in a way, is practicing polyamory, but she still doesn't believe it. Which makes her, and me sometimes, feel like she's cheating. She expresses a need for me not to know, or not to care about things like the fact she's doing it with a cheater (which I find unethical). And this is hard for me to deal with. I feel like while I am asking "how can we make this work?", she is asking other questions, like "why can't I stop myself?" and "what does it say about me that I have these feelings?". And these are the things I would have liked to help her with, which is why I'm interested in the experiences of other people who sort of stummbled into this lifestyle first, and got OK with it later. If anyone like that is reading- it will really help me to know how it worked for you, what would (and would not) help her in this situation, and how you made your peace with it.
The other thing relates to the second reply- I know I should give it time, but I am finding it hard to give reassurances. If I was the one in an outside relationship I would feel like that maybe what it takes, but in the situation that developed I feel that I mostly need them myself, since I am the one left at home when she goes to be with another woman, and this is all new and hard to handle. And any reassurance I give as to believing this is the right choice for us, despite the current struggles, are met with disbelief.