I'm house sitting for a friend this week. When I arrived at her place yesterday it was like a weight was lifting. It was maybe the first time in a whole week that my anxiety was.. well not completely gone.. but like a fog that was clearing, still there, but not as thick.
It was so nice to be in an empty house, make the bed, put food in the fridge, cook a nice dinner at a leisurely pace.
I guess this means that I need some alone time.. when I woke up I even had the feeling that it might mean that I want to live alone.
Well let's start with a week of alone time and take it from there.. I can't even imagine the stress it would bring to tell Ren I want to live alone.
One of the things I realized, while just sitting there, doing a little reading, looking out the window, drinking some wine.. is how silly my absolutist thoughts are. Thinking that the fact that C is now also with someone else, will mean that he will completely forget about me and banish me from his life. His marriage ended because his wife, who he loved, asked him not see his GF or even his best (female) friend. He did not want to lose his wife and was devastated by the divorce, but he could not promise her that he would never want to be with someone else.
Why would he want to do something like that now?
And I'm not saying that things will not change. They will. But I had this image of some time in the future where we would maybe not be the lovers we are now, or have a relationship with the intensity and frequency we have now, but where we would still be part of each others lives.. because we love each other, and because we are also really good friends.
This calmed me down so much.. We have never fought, there has never been a harsh word, we never hurt each other or have been mad at each other. Why would I think that we would lose this friendship now that transitions are taking place?
I could lose one thing and find another.
early forties, straight.
Last edited by Cleo; 05-02-2013 at 11:18 AM.