Originally Posted by redpepper
What can be done if one person is giving a relationship 100% and the other isn't?
I think that the scenario that presents more often than one member giving less than 100% is that one person's 100% may not actually match up with another person's 100%. So it's not a matter of quantity, but simply differences in needs and how those needs get met. Though there are clearly times when one partner does give less than another. Sometimes there are legitimate reasons. If one partner is dealing with a serious illness and needs to focus on healing, it is completely right and understandable that they have less to give to the relationship at that time. A healthy relationship can weather such ebbs and flows.
But I honestly don't think having a healthy relationship is that complicated. The guidelines that I follow are:
- Know yourself, your needs and your goals in life and in love. Understand that those needs can change and continually keep awareness of that.
- Move forward with partners who share or are compatible with those needs and goals.
- When exploring a relationship, don't be afraid to ask for what you need.
- Have concrete effective communication tools that you both use together.
- Be explicit with your commitment to each other and to the relationship.
- Check in and communicate when you feel imbalance.
- Understand that while love is necessary for a healthy relationship, it is not sufficient for a healthy relationship. In other words, it's possible to be completely utterly in love with someone and still not be good partners for each other.
I know that some perceive my ideas around partner selection to be a rather cold and calculated approach, though the reality of it is far from that. Exploring relationships with people who have strong shared values and communication creates a lovely place where hearts can be open. That doesn't mean that I don't fall hard for someone. It just means that for me, I know that falling hard isn't enough.