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Old 05-02-2013, 01:59 AM
BoringGuy BoringGuy is offline
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Nowhere
Posts: 1,640
Default Country Wrench - A Story Told to the music of "I Walk the Line"

When ah was just a sticky young pup, my daddy took me out to the hog-butchering shed to tell me, in all o' his Righteous Wisdom™, all about the ancient art o' procreation, why Commies can't get dates, and the advantages of enlisting livestock for er, "recreational porpoises" Having had mah noggin stuffed full o' all this knowledge, ah FOOOlishly asked mah Pa what he DID on those days he'd trudge off behind the barn with a gunny-sack. Well 'e playfully chucked a few pigs' feet off mah for'ead, set me up on a big ol' barrel o' jellied pig-entrails, scratched that wart o'his with his good hand, spat sumthin' @ the wall & said:

"Boy! On the day ah married yo' sistah, ah grabbed mah best sour-mash & went off behind the barn, aet sum o' those li'l fungi-thangs that grows on cow-shit, & went for a walk. Well, ah ran into one of them "boudreaus" and he had a 12-gauge. Took me off @ gun-point to 'is farm, stuffed mah mouth with crawfish, stripped me, hog-tied me, smeared me with sow-hormones, and threw me in the pig-pen. Well, ah sat in that-there pig-pen for three WHOOOLE days... Ah mean, ah coulda left after an hour or so but... Well son, you'll understand when you're older. While ah was wallowing around in that-there pigpen, ah saw a curious object. At first ah thought it was one o' them regular wrenches you see in the city, but when ah "accidentally" touched it to mah "naughties" ah KNEEEW (shudder) that it was... Anyway, they finally threatened to destroy mah credit-rating at the local brothel/livestock-warehouse, so ah had to go. So, ah took that monkey-wrench & put it where NO ONE (except maybe yo' sistah) gonna find it, & walked back home, savoring the sweet smell o' manure bakin' in the summer sunshine. And it wasn't for two WHOOOLE weeks 'til ah felt that dang monkey-wrench finally slide down the left leg o' mah overalls."

Mah Pa just grinned at me ...& ah sat on that big ol' barrel o' jellied pig-entrails a LOOOONG time before ah finally got up the guts (get it? GUTS? entrails = guts guts = entrails? Get it? Huh do ya? Aw fuck it) to ask mah daddy if ah could try it too... The End

Last edited by BoringGuy; 05-02-2013 at 02:08 AM.
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