Thread: Matt's Thoughts
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Old 05-02-2013, 01:52 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 5,542

Serious question. What should I do with my feelings?
Let me try to remember your background... correct me if I am wrong ok?

Well, how long has it been now? Two months ish? You had the "time out" to cool off. When you came back you wanted no part of Si yourself. But were prepared to stay in a polyship where your wife was seeing Si still. You were surprised when wife broke up with Si.

You have been going to couple therapy to repair broken trust in the marriage so any divorce plans were put on hold.


So you are now at this place:
I don't assume anything when it comes to the Mrs. I got swift kick in the pants when I did that. I ask her questions, expect the truth, but still have doubts. There's little trust, so I'm supposed to believe her word is bond? No, thanks. That's a set-up for disappointment. Talking does nothing. I need to be shown. It's a long process to earn trust back. Those white lies chip away at the trust that is there. Telling me what I need to hear to get what she wants or to achieve a goal isn't OK. Its been addressed, but it's a problem that needs to be nipped in the bud.
Some say my offer of divorce was a threat. It honestly wasn't. When you feel like you don't matter to someone and that they view you as expendable, why stay? I was hurting and the only one who didn't want to be part of a poly arrangement any longer, so it made sense for me to leave and let her have the life she wanted.
Is wife meeting all your needs/agreements for you to stay in the marriage and NOT continue on the divorce plan? Are you meeting all your agreements and meeting her needs for her to stay in the marriage and for her NOT continue on the divorce plan? Is being in the marriage something you both still want and are you becoming more compatible so the marriage can be healthy?

You still feel like wife does not listen? Do not trust the wife since she doesn't disclose fully ? Harbor resentments towards wife?

Are you still willing to stay in it and do what it takes to be in it and repair it? Or are you done trying? Too little a return for continued investment? Where's your temperature at on the marriage front?


Do you still feel like these things below in regards to the kids?

I felt undermined as a parent. I felt more like a sperm donor who had given a lesbian couple the children the always wanted than a father, so I suggested divorce. I consulted with lawyers. We had prenuptial and current post-nuptial agreements in place. The divorce would've been settled with no arguments from either side. Custody of our children? Nah. That would've been a contentious battle. We wanted two different things.
Do you still feel undermined as a coparent with wife and not valued by wife as a coparent? What are the "two different things" that you both want in terms of custody of the children?


This is just me thinking out loud ok? Let me ask this... Say you get a divorce. You (somehow) work out joint custody of the children and you are able to leave a polyship situation you dislike and establish a calmer, quieter home life for yourself.

Could you feel happier than you are now with your relationship with your wife? If her roles in your life were reduced to "co-custodial coparent" only? No longer wife to you? No longer roomie to you? No longer polyship partner to you?

How do you think you will feel about the time the children have with their mother, and their interacting with Si on ex-wife's custodial time?

Just as upset as you are now when they interact with Si? Or would it be better for you than what you have now because in joint custody YOUR days with the children are clear cut and you don't have to be checking in with anyone but yourself on your days to determine what activities you choose to do with the children (like go see Shrek or whatever?)

What are you feelings about that? Have you sat with those thoughts already?

You really can't sever the bond with wife of having created the children together. Even if you divorce and all that. Until one of you dies -- you, wife, or kids -- that bond is still there and you are still part of the kids lives. For the kid's sake as they grow, figuring out how to be civil to wife is better. Even if you still carry some resentments/distrust -- no need to color the children's graduations, weddings, births of THEIR kids etc with GRRR of the parent's clouding their every step for life.

But maybe you want YOUR daily life to be less nutty than it has been?

FWIW, my thoughts on this still are pretty much the same. That no matter how you slice it, there's going to be suckage somewhere. It's figuring out the path of least suckage then. I still think sorting that out is better with a cool head than a hot one. So... Where do you think that lies for you? The least sucky path?

I see that you continue to struggle and suffer. And I am sorry for that -- for both of your sakes. Nobody deserves suffering.

But 2 mos in is 2 mos in. I don't know what time frame you both set or even what bench marks you both set to measure as "enough progress is being made to make this still worthwhile to me" -- I guess I thought the counselor would help you guys lay that framework out so you chose realistic things for goals. One cannot rush healing. At the same time, one cannot put life on hold forever to deal in Crazy Town indefinitely.

But me in those shoes? I'd be tired of the crazy in my home life. If not divorce just yet, I'd be wanting a trial separation to at least catch a BREAK already in my daily living situation and get to step OFF the emotional roller coaster side of things even part time. I'd like to try something ELSE and see if that serves me better.

I'm sorry. I'm not sure that opinion is even helpful because I know I am not you and what I prefer in my life may not be what you prefer in yours.

But I do see you both still struggling. You both have to find your way -- either toward each other or toward a split or even toward a space (like a trial separation) where you can begin to make that call more clear headed and not all up and down.

You both deserve some peace. This neither here not there is exhausting for all parties.

In the end, I think only you can determine where that point lies with you -- the point of not enough return on your investment here to keep on investing more.


Last edited by GalaGirl; 05-02-2013 at 12:40 PM.
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